black

I had a moment. Its gone. I am so angry and I just don’t know why. Is it a stigma I was born with because I am a black woman? I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that we are all bred to be angry. What happened? I am going to lay it all out on the paper today. I will not proofread it or I will change it or not publish it.
I am on a journey to dig deep onto the revelation of the “Why” of an angry black woman. THIS angry black woman. As I sit and ponder about this subject, I began to wonder if it truly is our upbringing. We as women are bred to believe that we are to keep our mouths shut and find our place as a child. and mind our parents, suppressing any thoughts of anger or resentment without speaking how you feel. Taught to do as you are told and do as I say not as I do. I oftentimes wonder if this is the root of the anger of a black woman. Black boys are allowed to go out and dig ditches and play in the dirt,get into fist fights with other boys, argue with their neighbors children. They don’t have to do the same chores that we have to do. As I dig deep, I think about the difference in the way that we are raised as a black family. We are raised as little girls to act like a lady, carry of yourself accordingly, never really given the opportunity to express ourselves. On the other hand, boys- black boys- can do what they want “they’re just being boys” we are taught not to scrape up our knees or scuff our shins, hold your pinky up when you drink your tea. There are no rules to being a black boy. Now that I think about it we are raised to be angry black women not purposely and not because something happened to us. Its just the way that families are raised. “Girls don’t do that, girls don’t behave like that, black girls don’t act like that.” We’re raised to suppress what we are really truly feeling and usually the first relationship we get into we act the way we were raised; our first boyfriend respects that but as soon as we speak on something that we are angry about they give us a sideways look like we’re trying to act brand new but the truth is we’re mad and we are mad from within. We over react when we’re upset because we don’t know HOW to react when we’re upset, we weren’t taught to say what’s on your mind. We weren’t taught to say how we feel. We were taught to be delicate and soft and gentle but the truth of the matter is, some of us aren’t soft and delicate and gentle. The bottom line is we don’t know how to connect with our emotions, we don’t know how to casually speak that we’re angry or say that you did something to upset us. We hold it in and we suppress it. There’s a box of sensitivity within that holds that suppression and we get angry and we put it in the box we get mad and we put it in the box. We suppress it and suppress it and suppress it until the box of sensitivity can explode with just one touch. One wrong word from anyone. Who is that someone? Our mates. Because no matter how angry we get we were raised to respect our parents to act like a lady to stay in our place and to stay dainty. So that box of sensitivity will never explode on our parents. I believe that the anger that we hold with in starts from a very young age so yes sometimes, sometimes I am an angry black woman. And do you want to know the truth about it? I hate it. I hate being labeled as an angry black woman. I’ve been married for years and there’s a woman within that my husband doesn’t even know because I’m taught to suppress it and when I start to express it I lose my mind and he hates it so I suppress it. I don’t know how to express it so really there is no one thing that makes me mad there is no one man that’s made me mad, its life. Life is expression but if I can’t express myself then I’m not really living am I? I make a vow this day to teach my daughters that’s it is okay to express themselves. It is okay to say when you are upset or when you are hurt or when you are angry. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be angry. It’s NOT okay to hold on to it. I employ all of my black women, light skin, brown skin, dark skin, honey, peanut butter; it doesn’t matter what complexion you are, a black woman is a black woman and I am a black woman. I am raising black women we need to stand with one another and for one another find the roots of your anger and confront it. Our anger is not towards each other. We need to learn that, we need to know that, we need to own that. Accept that the key to growing is accountability. Take the accountability for your actions, it is the only way you can grow. It is the only way we will shake this stigma from our bones. I will lead the way by starting with me.
-Rush