Sweet dreams. 

I dreamed of her last night. It was the most vivid dream I have ever had of her. She was beautiful. I cannot forget her face; I don’t want to.

This dream, I have had before but never like this. I was able to interact instead of being this week vessel watching and doing nothing as I have always done. This time I held her. I held her close and I held her tight almost consuming her into my essence.

It was the last time I saw her alive. She just looked at me and our eyes locked for a moment and I had second thoughts, and thirds until I just walked away before I changed my mind about leaving her. It was for the best is what I kept telling myself, although I didn’t believe it. That is my last memory of her alive and it keeps playing over and over in my dreams. I don’t have any regrets in my life because I know that by changing one little ripple of life, my waves would be totally different now. But if I could change one thing with no repercussions and still be in this very moment, I would have taken her with me. My spirit tells me that is a bad idea because she died because it was her time, and had she been with me her time would still be up.

McRush asked me what I was sure of when he woke me from this dream and we talked about it. Death. Death was my answer. That is all I am sure of in life. Death is not judgmental and has no respect of persons, it is imminent. It doesn’t care if you are a bad person or a good person, you are going to die. That is why I do not fear it. I do not fear death  because its going to happen. What I do fear is the pain and suffering it will leave upon  my family.

I search for the truth and I live for the truth. I stand in my truth no matter how ugly it may be sometimes. That’s all I can do. Sometimes the truth hurts because truth is nothing more than the reality in which we live. And the truth is, she is never coming back to me and that is a painful feeling. I would have assumed, being the person I am that This would not be affecting me like it does eight years later, I’m just not that kind of person but I guess it is true what they say, you never stop mourning the loss of a child. I think about her, I want to see her. I want to hold her and tell her that I love her even though we are energies apart. I would rather have died with her but that is not entirely true because my children would be mourning me and I cannot bare that thought.

If you know me at all, you know I am not sentimental, touchy, or even intentionally give off much loving affection but losing a part of my heartbeat is enough to make you change that…just a little, no mushy stuff.

Well, its 5:19 am and I am beyond mentally drained. I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about is putting my thoughts and emotions on paper (or in this case, blog). Now that I have done that I am going to try to lay down for a few.

The picture is the last time I would see her see me. I love you Madison.

Love, Mommy

-Rush

 

 

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Accountability in the Black community

I recently posted on Facebook;

There is a lot of blame going around in our communities but no accountability. We have to start being honest with ourselves Reflections. Ase’
With that being said, I decided to take a moment to reflect on my own accountability of the negative statistics within our communities as a whole. Of course I know that my Philadelphia roots and Florida upbringing do not directly affect the Texas statistics but I am talking about US as a whole which is something we need to start focusing more on instead of concentrating on “just me”. I am aware that we need to concentrate on ourselves sometimes but we also must keep in mind the bigger picture.

I have decide to make a list of the things I personally am responsible for in addition to a list that I also contribute to the black community, not for the purposes of justifying or otherwise erasing what I did to negatively affect us but for the purpose of showing growth. Well, here it goes.

I have negatively affected the statistics of the black community in many ways. I dropped out of high school and was a habitual runaway. I hung out with what I knew was the wrong crowd resulting in getting taken into a juvenile detention facility at the age of 15. I was promiscuous, though never resulting in pregnancy, in my teenage years (16-17). I engaged in a cohabiting relationship that resulted in children out of wedlock. I was married and divorced twice. While in college I stripped, not for school but for extra money. I was a habitual liar up until I was about 19 years old. I had no regards to the wise words that my elders spoke to me about. I stayed in a religion that affected me mentally into believing that suffering was the only way to please God (paraphrasing). I deliberately sabotage some blessings by believing I was not good enough and I let that esteem trickle down to my children. I intentionally kept my son away from his father resulting in me being a single parent for years and it was a strained and bitter relationship resulting in a broken child.

Those are my blames that I accept responsibility for and hold myself accountable everyday. These are also the things that attribute to my desire to make amends with myself for my own brokenness and my life vow to do better not only for me but for the community as a whole.

Here is my short, but growing, list of contributions I make to our community now.

I stopped lying (long ago). I went back to school to get my GED and went on to study Law, although I have not completed yet.I have started several small businesses, not just for myself but others within our community. I do free consultations for people who want to start their own business and help them along the way. I am a motivational speaker to those who feel like because they are black they can’t accomplish something. That is NOT true. I am an activist for the equality for black people and other so called minorities. I study and pass on my knowledge to others via speaking engagements or everyday conversations. I am an advocate for the less fortunate/homeless. I homeschool my children to not follow in my footsteps and teach them who they really are and to live up to their true potential. I have apologized to my sons father and we have a better relationship because of it. I have apologized to my son as well admitting my faults and role in his pain. I have been married and have since had many more children. Of course I am faithful to him mind and body. I have left organized religion and embraced my focus on having a better relationship spiritually with the God of my own understanding. I have kept two children out of the system and raise them as my own. I deliberately search out elders in the community and seek their wisdom. I openly welcome all blessings flowing to an through me as I know I am truly worth it.

That wasn’t too hard. And it actually feels refreshing to get it all off my chest in addition, it’s also good to see how far I have come. I implore my Reflections to do the same as a starting point to rebuilding our community and contribute to our growth as a whole.

Namaste Reflections.

-Rush

up from here? 

Something is missing. All of the things that I have to keep me busy in life; businesses, homeschooling, mom, wife, philanthropy, yet I am so completely bored. I have no idea what type of thrill I seek but overdoing life is not it. Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe I just need a job. I was never bored when I had a job, miserable yes but not bored..that’s probably not something I want to add then huh? Vacations are no good for me because while the family is vacationing I am simply continuing on with my everyday chores of cooking, cleaning, packing, scheduling, etc. Taking a vacation without the RushBunch littles is out of the question, no one wants to watch 9 children PROPERLY no matter how much you pay them. 

What’s a girl to do? I no longer smoke or drink. No cussing and partying, just Momming. I found some solice in exercising and weight training but this pregnancy has me so blah. I need some excitement! Where are all the people who have as many children as me or even more? I need relatable friends, preferably married. What do you do to spark your day to day life? 

This is not an blog to make you feel sorry for me because despite my lack of excitement I am very happy. Its just that even with all these people around me, I still get bored I guess. They say you can never please a woman, I am starting to think that’s true because McRush laughs and cries with me in addition to giving me the world and letting me expand my horizons everytime I have a new great idea. Maybe I should go skydiving (that made me nauseous thinking about it). Maybe I am too comfortable with being uncomfortable in the sense of trying new things. I am definitely open to any advice from my fellow mommy entrepreneurs. 

Rush