Month: December 2016

Be bold? Or be mean?

I have the hardest time speaking my true feelings to people because I care about their feelings. Not an attribute found in many people these days it seems. We have as a generation lost our compassion and kindness.  Doesn’t anyone one care anymore?  It seems everyone is out for themselves, justifying their actions based on their feelings in the heat of the moment or shall I say the height of their emotions.

 

Should you speak in the moment or wait for the right moment? When is the right moment? I believe that when enraged you should wait and calm down. In waiting you will find yourself rationalizing objectively.  Seeing all angles of the situation allowing you to not only make a proper judgement but lowering your blood pressure as well.

 

Is it being mean when you say what’s on your mind? I believe yes. I have a sister who tells it as she sees it and I must admit that there is a certain sense of admiration I have for her because it weeds out the negativity and nonsense in life however it also keeps me a bit distanced when I need someone to talk to but then is it the fear of hearing the truth? I am by far the most sensitive person I know easily crying without a moments notice. So is it me or her or a combination of both. I do oftentimes wish I were more outspoken. It sometimes feels like I am being phony or pretentious because even though I may not like you I will still speak and I will even smile and encourage you without a second thought.

 

Usually it’s not even worth the effort to exchange dirty looks, vibes, or energy it will just drain you and you will leave frustrated and thinking of a ton of clever things you should have said anyway.

 

I believe that you get back what you put out in this world and I only want good vibes, happiness, and prosperity. If I have to be nice and mindful of my words then I’ll take that.

 

-Rush

 

 

 

After almost 7 years of my daughter passing, the anger is finally coming to a head. I never truly mourned her. I was so far away when I got the call that all I could think about was getting to her. The entire flight across the country all I could think was how horrible of a joke this was. I couldn’t accept it. I just couldn’t. When my plane landed I had to wait over an hour for my ride and that allowed my anger to fester which overshadowed my pain.
Even once I got into the city I couldn’t find her body. I was given the run around until I found her but when I did, I was told that I couldn’t see her and I had to come back tomorrow. Tomorrow? More anger.
I couldnt sleep just hoping it was still all a bad dream, I mean, after all, I still have not seen her.
The next day I go to where she is and they tell me she is still not ready to be seen. When I asked was she really back there, the lady replied “yes, she is in the cooler”. What an insensitive thing to say. Now I am not only angry, but I am also numb. What did I do to deserve this? #SorryGod
I sat for hours waiting. When they finally allowed me to see her they said I had to view her through a glass. I sighed a heavy sigh only a parent knows and said okay. They asked was I sure, I don’t remember what I said but they pulled the curtain back. I still did not believe them. Even seeing her with my own eyes wrapped in a blanket and tubes still hanging out of her nose. She looked as if she were asleep except she wasn’t. My heart told me she wasn’t. But I still wanted to touch her, to hold her. Reluctantly, the coroner allowed me to come back to get a closer look. He said I still couldn’t touch her but I stole a kiss on her forehead. She was still soft and a little warm unless that was just my wishful thinking.
Then the business began, not many of us prepare to lose a child at such a young age so savings and insurance for this were non existent. I began to make calls no mother should have to make; begging people and panhandling to raise her burial funds. All of this and still no cause of death. Every emotion but mourning.
I was taught not to question God so I didn’t. I still don’t. However, where I am in life I find myself asking “why not”. If I want to know something I ask. Why can’t I ask God why? I have rationalized the why so much and come to a logical explanation that I don’t believe that His answer would mean much to me anymore. I’m just being honest. I was angry in the place of my mourning and now I am unable to mourn because I am still angry. The experience taught me to question the why in everything. Everything. Though I know that every cause has an affect which is how the ripples in life roll, but there is still my why. I have given my all to everyone I know and met and I ultimately seem to find myself betrayed and hurt.
Madison died January 10, 2009 cause of death is conflicted. The coroner says he would rule it a case of SIDS ( Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) but since the police report stated that there were stuffed animals in the crib he must diagnose positional asphyxiation which means she suffocated in the position she lay, which was face down. As if her passing wasn’t enough trauma.
-Rush