Is my living in vain?

In the midst of this dark cloud lingering over my head, I am forced to work through tears shed.

No matter what I am doing, in the blink of an eye, I will find myself crying. I snickered to myself appreciating the fact that I do not wear make up. What a waste it would be right now.

Funny, no matter what we go through as parents we still must be sure our children are living their best life. For me that is forcing a smile with uncertainties lingering like a lone cloud on a sunny day.

Isn’t it ironic how we do so many good deeds and it feels, sometimes, as though they measure up to nothing? I remember when I was a young girl, my mom told be to be sure that my good far outweighed my bad. I literally live by that staple. Yet, I now find myself perplexed as to why.

Why then, do I still endure such unbelievable pain? Why is it life seems a constant test? When the heck is the exam so I can pass already!

I don’t know everything there is to know about life, but I do know this, its yours to live. Choose happiness and pass it on.

I’ll tell you what. When my daughter passed away I no longer took each moment I had with my children for granted. Not that I ever did but every breath seems even more previous to me. That is part of my reason for homeschooling. I always say that God has given me a charge (or 10) and I take that charge very seriously. These are little people who will soon try to find their own place in the world. It is my job to assist them as much, and as early, as possible.

Does my heart hurt every morning? Absolutely.

Do I have butterflies since this incident. Always.

But it will not stop my unwavering love and care. I push through, as we all do.

Am I always going to get it right? Nope.

Is my living in vain. Of course not.

Advertisements

Where we are.

Hello my loves. I have not been blogging as of late because everything seems to be on a whim right now and completely unstructured. If you think your life is hectic, try running a business where you are consistently running other peoples businesses while maintaining your household, homeschooling, packing, and self evaluating simultaneously with 9 children and NO schedule! Ugh. it is literally a madhouse around here. I can’t ever find what I am looking for until I am no longer looking for it but have moved on to looking for something else. Dinner often slips my mind and we wound up eating out, which I absolutely hate. and sleeping in has become a staple for my sanity however I am usually abruptly awakened by screaming hollering babies and children whom have clearly lost their minds because they are running through my house. I oftentimes, lately, feel like I am in a prank reality show.

But alas, all is not doomed. We recently bought a house, in case you did not catch the memo on my personal social media. I have started taking classes on the side to further advance my platform for Rush Consulting Firm, and we have finally closed our Social Services case so no more back and forth to court. That alone was a weight lifted off of me and McRush because though it was not the path we chose to take, we took it in stride. Sometime soon we will be back in court to further finalize the decision for good. I am sure I will get a lashing from family but, you cannot please everyone so, I digress, I only know how to do what I feel is best and have prayed about. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, red back some and you will be filled in.)

Homeschooling.

Homeschooling the RushBunch is still exciting and new everyday. On my extra hectic days we choose the Montessori approach. I always have what they should be learning for the day, usually the week, and they have to work together as a unit to get their works completed. However, I cannot wait until we move into our new home an get situated so we can get back to class as usual. I am trying to convince McRush to paint the wall in chalk paint in the classroom. I don’t believe I am even considering such a task. Years ago I was adamant on not doing such as thing as I felt it would promote writing on wall. But alas, I have evolved. I lift my wine glass and shout, “write away children! Write away”. It is really something how you watch your children grow and evolve only to realize your own evolution in the end.

Speaking of evolution, McRush and I have found ourselves on a new Spiritual journey.

Life really has a way of making you reevaluate life. I love it and I am excited for the growth. I won’t be keeping you updated because (shhhh) there may be a book. I may post a question to ponder here and there for general purposes so be ready to have a discussion.

-Rush

mengirls

Family vacation my FOOT!

So I have been off of here for a few days and there is so much that I would like to share with you guys, my thoughts, interactions, and goings-ons, that I am going to have to post a few blogs tonight just to catch up.

Let us start with this “family vacation” we have recently gone on……..

I do not even know where to start but let me first say that whoever came up with the term FAMILY vacation was obviously delusional in every aspect of the matter. At no point during our trip to Myrtle Beach did I feel or have the remote inkling that I was on vacation. There was nothing that I did that said vacation. I will admit though that everything said, family.

We were blessed to be able to get a room for a very reasonable rate that had a kitchenette in it. There was a pool right outside our door and the beach was like a 45 second walk. The customer service was awesome. The keep was exceptionally pleasant and I even messed up a plate and they did not charge me for it (mostly due to the fact that I was honest and brought it to their attention first). The best part is they were a family and couples only hotel which meant everyone was civilized and respectful of one another. The best part was they never one time turned their noses up or turned us down once they found out that we have 9 children; this is especially a rarity for us when we travel.

Now, the trip. While I felt very extended while away because i was not only doing the same everyday things that I do at home, I had to do them in tighter living quarters and if you know me you would know that I hate clutter and cluttered situations but I digress for the good of the trip. I still had to get up and cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I still taught school and created daily lessons, I still worked for one of my clients (which I will not do ever again), and I still had to pack, unpack, and clean. This has brought me to the sad conclusion that no matter where I am I will always be slave, er, I mean mom.

My children are spoiled to the max and I am okay with that sometimes; on vacation is NOT one of those times.

I am just whining. Although I still felt like the nanny-cook-housekeeper-slave, the smiles and enjoyment from my children makes it all worth it. We went to the beach that my children beg to go to all the time but when we get there, they remember that they are deathly afraid of the water. The laughter I get from that alone makes the trip worthwhile. Lol. Likewise with the pool. Sai almost drowned in 3 feet even though he is 4 foot 2 inches tall. I laughed so hard at his dramatics that I almost forgot to save him (so his brother jumped in to do it). I kept yelling stand up but he was too busy being dramatic. And before you flood me with the fact that it is possible for him to drown in three feet while being over four feet tall, yes, I am well aware of that but if you knew Sai you would totally see why it was funny.

In the end (and even some parts of during) I did thoroughly enjoy the trip <—— (notice I didn’t say vacation). It was fun plus I got to hit some cool Thrift Stores on the way home.

 

-Rush

Maia is tired. Maia is overwhelmed.. Don’t be like Maia.

Hello, my loves. Let me first start off by apologizing for my lack of blogging. It’s not that I don’t post because I have nothing to post rather it’s really the opposite. I cannot describe how full my life is. Well, I probably can but I am too full of procrastination to do better. See, the thing is, I am honestly not sure if it is because I procrastinate, which by the way I swear is generational curse, or whether it’s because I am so overwhelmed that I just do not feel like it. Maybe it’s a little of both but I cannot rid myself of the nagging feeling that I could do better.

 

While I have a ton of things to update you on, I will contain myself to talk to you about an important lesson I seem to keep learning over and over again. Don’t spread yourself thin. Although you may have the strongest heart’s desire to do so, you cannot help everyone.

 

Last night I posted a fraction of what my family went through and why we now do what we do with Rush Consulting Firm. It stated as follows:

 

“In 2012 I lost my job and my husband had already lost his. We became homeless and living in our car. Everywhere we went no one could or was willing to help us, including the church we went to. It was hard. We slept in our truck with our children (4 of them at the time). We washed at gas stations and fast food restaurants. We would get out early to labor pools just so we could pay the car note (our current HOME note) about once a week we would be able to check into a hotel to thoroughly wash and get a decent night’s sleep. No charities, No churches would help because we were a big family and they had no resources or room for us. We applied for government assistance but could not get it because we did not have an address. That is how Rush Consulting Firm was born, initially a resource and research business for the less fortunate it turned into a full time business with an array of services. Our most important goal still to this day is helping people because we have been there. We are sincere in everything we do because we believe we were not meant to struggle and if each one of us would just reach out and lend a hand, we wouldn’t. We start with us and hope everyone we help will pass it on.”

 

My intent was to post so people know that we have been where they are and teach them how to press forward and use their experience as a mountain of hope to others and while I am sure it came across to many that way, it also was taken as an offer of assistance to those whom have found themselves in our once similar position. And though I have no financial means or initial intentions what-so-ever to aid or assist anyone, only a fool would turn a blind eye to what could easily be a nightmare to my sister or brother.

 

The strings on my heart hang very low so are easily tugged. I used to hate it because people know I will do all I can to help someone, anyone. I have learned over the years not to hate the woman that God has made me to be, sensitivity and all. I over extend myself often. I put more on my shoulders than I am able to carry. I cry when I see someone in pain. I grind my teeth at injustice. Yet, I oftentimes find myself standing alone in my troubles and drowning in my fears feeling as though no one understands and I think to myself, that is probably how these people feel. I can’t help but to fantasize about helping every single person who comes across my path. But how can I? That’s easy, one person at a time; one sleepless night at a time. I cannot do it all but I will continue to try.

 

I will not sit here and tell you that is that hard because it isn’t; all it takes is a made up mind and a lot of dedication. I have that. I also will not say it is that easy because it surely is not.