Stepping back

You would never have convinced me that I would be here today. Never in a million years.
I was on the fast track to being a lawyer. I was a beast! I was attending school full-time year round and managed to juggle two jobs at the same time plus I managed to maintain a B average. I was focused and diligent. My home was immaculate due to my slight, okay overbearing OCD. I even managed to go out every now and again.

Now look at me, Married, 10 children, and successful business owner. People would think I was living the life, yet I have days of inadequacies when I fall short of feeling great. Truth is, I have those days more often than not. The days where I want to just quit.
Being a mother is something I never foresaw for myself let alone 10 children. I never would have thought I would be married. I always figured it wasn’t in the cards for me, seeing as I was going from one jerk to another.
Yet here I am.

What is the point of this blog?
This blog is for all the people who feel like I am some type of super mom because I homeschool 10 children while maintaining my home and successful business, but the truth is, I get burned out. I want to scream sometimes. And there are many days that I go without just to get it all done. But I get tired too.

For those that do not regularly follow my blog, two of my blessings are not mine biologically and that has sometimes taken a toll on my life because of the unwanted input and opinions placed on me and McRush, I swear some days I just want to change my number and block everyone I know. It’s hard enough raising children but to have the constant selfish interference can take its toll on even the strongest of moms.

After the death of my daughter and still-born experience of my son, I just want to be left alone most of the time. No one seems to get that. I am forced to put on an extrovert face when all I want to do is curl up on the couch and read a book and close myself off from the world.

Is that selfish? Probably, but I have spent all of my life being selfless to people who could care less about me. Smiling and giving. Now, I have nothing left to give to myself.

I am very grateful for each and every one of my babies, both birthed or blessed my handsome husband McRush, and my business where I get to help people live out the life they always wanted. But for right now, I think I need a vacation.


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What is your happiness moms?

So I have been pushing through some issues in life and sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you are a mom. That is not to take anything from you fathers out there but like I tell McRush all the time, I can only speak from the perspective of a mom and wife.

There is always someone who wants to pass you some advice that’s common sense but really not logical like, “take a nap when the children take a nap”. This of course going off the assumption that you can get all of your children down for a nap simultaneously. In addition, while this may seem a good idea, most moms know that this is the most opportune time to actually get some work done without the children in the way calling you for everything.

Another one I find hilarious is, “you have to take time out in the day for yourself”. My response,and the response of many moms is, I can’t even pee in peace. Where exactly is that time located because I have been looking.

I watched Red Table today and heard something profound. Something I have always known to be true and even experience but it was put into words. It’s the assumption that I am doing a great job because I maintain my family and every one around me is doing well as a result of my encouragement and tenacity to be there for them. But no one, not even me, considers me.

I found myself questioning why I am. And while that may sound borderline suicidal, I assure you it is anything but. My inward emotions in no way reflect my outward appearance. I have everything I could ever want. Even under the presence of the full moon there is nothing I can ask for to make my life better. Inwardly, however, I feel like something is missing. It’s crazy because I am doing exactly why I love to as far as business and my family is picture perfect.

What is it then? I have lost myself. There are questions I can ask myself and not know the answers.

What do you like to do for fun?

What is your favorite color?

What makes you happy?

What makes you laugh from your soul?

So, that is my new quest, to make myself as happy as I make the people around me. Its going to be a bumpy ride but I have my seatbelt on. 😉

What is your happiness?


Pineapples. Nasty Sex. Uncle.

Some people wonder how I manage to get it all done in a day. I am often called supermom or superwoman. I am neither of these things. I am just an everyday woman trying to live my best life now.
With 10 children and a business, I definitely have my days and at 11:04 p.m. its hardly began to end.
The post topic is keywords I have used or set to use when I am at my wit’s end. Today I need all three. Today started out rough. I woke up late. I didn’t get to do the things around the house that I wanted to do and I was rushed which means I forgot to pack a few things for our trip to the beach, which was amazing by the way.
I am a part of this awesome stay at home mom group where the women look and think and struggle just like me. It is a beautiful feeling to connect with such beautiful kindred souls.
However, I am sure I do not have to tell you how stressful a day at the beach is with 10 children and daddy couldn’t make it. Constant counting, chastising, searching, and the famous interruptions. But in between those moments, I was able to talk on an adult level.
Packing up…not so fun. The drive home…even worse. everyone in the car fell asleep including me a couple times. But we made it safely.
I stopped by the grocery store to pick up veggies for dinner and came home to cook for everyone except me, because I am now Raw Vegan, that in itself can be stressful. I made a salad for myself and waited until McRush was finished putting my radiator in so we can eat together. He didn’t finish until almost 10:30 and by then I was exhausted from cooking, bathing, cleaning, singing, fussing, and feeding #10.
Unbeknownst to McRush that I was waiting on him, he came in and started eating… without me. I am so tired and flustered that I have a migraine and, after I blog, I still have to do some client work.
Being a mom is hard. You want to remain soft and gentle yet firm and strong, the attempt to balance is stressful.
I oftentimes feel bad (and so I don’t) mentioning these woes to McRush because he empathizes with me but I wonder if he gets it. He gets it enough to step in and had I asked, he would have but then my car wouldn’t be fixed.
BTW, I no longer want my salad.