Vanity to suicide.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in this world is my children. That’s not to say I have beautiful babies, although I believe I do. It’s more because I look at them every day and realize what a beautiful thing I have done. Just for clarity, yes, I am aware that hoth my husband and I made these babies possible, but this is my blog, and I am talking about me and my feelings. Therefore, I use ‘I’ speaking from my experience.

Side note. I think it’s absurd that we have now found ourselves in a position where we need to clarify every single word that comes out of our mouths as not to offend anyone because they seem to lack logic and common sense but I digress, for now.

Through all of my fuck ups, mix ups, and mess ups I have been brought to moments where an absolute miracle chose to use me as a vessel to enter a world undeserving of their presence. There are some people who believe that bringing children into this world is selfish, and when you sit down and actually consider the argument, it’s true. But it’s a selfish that I will never regret. It is a selfish that I will always protect. I say all the time that I never wanted children, but I suppose that’s not entirely true. It’s not that I didn’t want them. It’s just that I never actually considered them. I was young and smart. Graduated high school in 1996, 2 years before my time, though if I’m being fully honest, I got it through a community college. I actually dropped out of high school. I opted to take the test to graduate out, and I passed. I went to college in Philadelphia on the fast tract to law school. I mean, I had 6-8 classes at a time, and I stayed just above the c average. Low B but a B nonetheless. I was working 2 jobs and living my life in hustle mode. I loved it. I stayed out of trouble because, let’s face it, I never really had time to get into it. I was meeting new people and really enjoying my life.

I got mixed up with some dude who meant me no good. I eventually went on the run pregnant to get away from him. Here I was, a college dropout, trying to be somebody’s mother. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I never really paid that much attention to the way my mother gracefully raised us, so I was just lost. Ultimately, I felt like a disappointment to my mom, so I never went home for help. This led to bouts of homelessness, stripping, staying with strangers, and even having sex for money just to stay afloat. When my son was about 4, I finally went home. My bonus dad got me a car and a house, and things were starting to get back on track. I met a nice guy who said he only wanted to be friends, but I know he was lying to himself because he spent every moment he could in my presence. He didn’t want to be a dad, much less a stepdad, and that was his hiccup. But I enjoyed his company and his integrity. He never pushed for sex or anything more than time with me.

Eventually I fucked this life up too by getting tripped up in believing I should move again. See, the thing about me is I am damn near a gypsy. I can never manage to stay in one place too long. I just have to change. I kind of liked that, though, because it allowed me to explore more than my own backyard. By the age of 25, I had lived in 6 different states. That’s not including my childhood where I was not only a military brat but also how I learned my gypsy ways from my mother herself. She was my idol. I never understood how she did it all and always remained so poised and elegant. She went through some shit with my stepdad, but that’s not my story. I love him. He passed away, but man, did he really love me. ❤️

I wound up in Atlanta. I met a dumb ass guy who I got pregnant by. God, he was an ass. But he gave me my first beautiful baby girl. Madison. I swear I never had an easier baby in my life. She passed away, which ultimately led to our divorce, but I cherish every moment of her. He was REALLY an ass. In Atlanta, I found my groove. My mom used to always say that Atlanta is where black people go to get ahead and she is not lying. I landed a contract with an urgent care center immediately, which led to several other medical contracts. I was a master biller and strategist.

Leaving a lot of the story out for now, Madison’s death led me to South Carolina, where I met my husband, and we went on to have a plethora of children. I still get a lot wrong, and boy, do I have my bad days, but they are always what keep me going. Even on days when it’s really dark and hard. Although they can cause many of these days because, well, they’re kids, I always look at them and smile. Not when they’re mad at me, though, because I don’t want them to think that I’m a punk. But knowing that i created something so marvelous and perfect gives me a reason to be reminded that I am needed. And wanted. I thank God for that every day. I wake up and hug them and tell them thank you. Thank you for choosing me. They keep me grounded.

Dumbest thing I have ever done.

One time, I thought I could cook an egg in a microwave. That thing burned the inside of my mouth so bad I couldn’t eat for a week. Then there was this one time when my mom used to work at Walmart part-time. I went in there and I saw these earrings that I wanted so bad and I knew my mom wasn’t getting it for me so I put it in my pocket but I wasn’t very sneaky so I got caught. I embarrassed the h*** out of my mom. I wonder if she even remembered that. yeah, that was dumb.

There aren’t too many things that I’ve done that I consider dumb in my life. But the dumbest thing that I have ever done: are you ready for this? It’s a real shocker. I’m actually laughing at the thought that I’m going to tell you this but I am going to tell you and you’re probably going to clutch your pearls but honey it is absolutely the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

The dumbest thing I have ever done in my life is have children. No, for real, hear me out, hear me out? When I say having children was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, it’s not because I don’t love them and honor their presence. But I simply was not ready. Hell, I’m still not ready. I love these little life hiccups, but baby, I don’t know. I think there should be extensive sessions on how much you lose when you have children. Like time, privacy, and quiet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll fight you over mine, and you damn sure can’t have them, but if I am being 100% honest with myself. I’m too selfish to have children. Like, I don’t want to share my last bite of peach. I don’t want to cancel my plans yo take you to the E.R. I don’t want to learn how to do something just so I can teach you and you forget about it 30 minutes from now. Nothing about motherhood is reciprocal, and I don’t like that. I am a triple Leo, and this is a real problem for me.

I don’t know how to be selfless and unconditional. It’s just weird that for the rest of my life is not my life, and my life is not about me.

But oh how I love the kisses and hugs. I love the smiles and happiness. I love being a part of the growth and ah ha moments. I love that they will always love me, and I will always love them. I still look at them and can not believe that a real live person came frome. Like, I did that. I love it.

It’s still dumb but hey, we love a lot of our dumb decisions. That’s why we got married. 😉

My big baby and last baby

Love to hate or hate to love ❤️

My mom used to tell me, even before becoming one, that she hated teenagers. 😒 So naturally I mentally prepared myself for the drama to unfold as I inevitably had to succumb to an era that everything I did would be met with opposition. Turns out, it wasn’t so bad because though she hated teenagers she surely loved me and gave me numerous chances to redeem myself as I grew into a me I was true to.

Now, as a mother I fully understand her stance because teenagers are so annoying. I made it through my first round unhinged and I thought I was the g.o.a.t. but that second born… nah. Pick somebody else to do it. So I did. Dad, it’s your turn. I literally turn a blind eye to what’s going on. Unfortunately that makes me the mediator and counselor. This one is a boy so I am all for dad taking the lead but I think for the next ones, because they will be neck to back for 10 years I’m just going to move out.

I don’t know if I love to hate them or hate to love them but I know it’s something. The next teen is a girl and I don’t know if I am ready for all that plus the sass I get BEFORE they become teenagers.

I would say that I am a mix between helicopter parenting and gentle parenting. I want to be an overachiever because I think I am the shit BUT my children 😕 They test my patience and nerves. I’m very patient but not very tolerant. I am empathetic but not sympathetic. Everything is black and white to me but children have variables to their personalities and I don’t like that.

On top of maneuvering through my children and their emotions, I find myself gaining clarity on who I am. Who knew that I didn’t know? I thought I did but that’s the beauty in becoming a parent, it forces you to face the you and issues you so long ago suppressed. It’s a great thing to be honest. I still don’t know if I love to hate or hate to love em though. 🤷🏾‍♀️

What in the itchy hand is going on here!!

I think we should talk about this itchy hand thing because it seems to work for everyone but me. It’s like the universe is trying to make me poor but I have too much audacity and tenacity to adhere. 🤣 And stubborn. Like, nah, been there done that. 😏

I remember praying to God for more money but every time I did, I would find myself pregnant. the irony is, it’s these children that are trying to milk me dry. I thought it would be financially responsible to homeschool. I mean, they can go to school in their pajamas. No gas for the car, no grabbing breakfast, and most importantly no time waiting in lines to drop them off and pick them up. But, uhm, these babies are just downright expensive. There’s no way of getting around it. Imagine football, cheer, ballet, gymnastics, karate, and programming. Bruh! They are killing me. 😫

To top it off, I really have to spend time with them too? Man parenting is the neediest relationship EVER. They need me and I need time. 😅 Ain’t a hiding spot in the house that they won’t find me, trust me, I tried. You would think that having a plethora of playmates would allot me some quality time to, I don’t know, take a bath. 😑

And to top it all off my hand be itching but my bank account don’t be increasing. I’m starting to think that the good Lord and I have our signals crossed. 🤣

If I don’t have any other reason to live righteous I do it for the sole purpose to have a conversation with God about my contract to come to earth cause I know I didn’t sign up for this…. or I didn’t read the small print. 🤔

What do you think?

Keep talking.

I recently had a conversation with a really good friend. Trying to walk her through some of her emotions and troubles. It felt good because I was helping someone. 😌

Little did I know. It was me. I was helping me. There is so much to unfold that will fully explain why I have been blogging less but in a nutshell, I am tired, drained, and need a nap… in the Galapagos.

I have been reading this book called Pussy and in just the first few pages it has been an extreme eye-opener. 😳 Between the conversation I had with my friend and this book, I feel like I frauded myself. I am always running around, committing, and pleasing meanwhile I have lost my entire self. I’m not necessarily upset about it because I evolve, always have. But it is nice to finally look yourself in the face and be honest. I’m not happy with over-committing. I’m not happy with the way I have been running my business, my family, and most importantly myself. I have been on autopilot for so long that I don’t know what direction I’m going, I’m just going.

But did you know that you can be going nowhere? It’s kind of like being busy but not productive. Whew. When you get in your face and get all the way honest everything shifts.

I am grateful that I value experience. I am not angry about how I have been moving. I am not regretful or remorseful either. The thing is, when I started being honest with myself and valuing my feelings, I realize I didn’t lose anything. I gained the knowledge of what I don’t want so now I can intentionally move toward what I do want.

I love these moments in my life because it’s not just a lesson and progression for me, but as a coach I can pass this knowledge on.

Isn’t life grand?

What happens when you’re lost?

It’s amazing how we learn and teach throughout life and sometimes we’re the ones who end up lost.

I’m reevaluating my whole life lately, and in this process I find myself getting perturbed pretty easily. It’s annoying, honestly, so I know I’m on my family’s nerve. (Consider it payback) 🤣

I won’t say it’s regrets, because you know I don’t believe in that. However, I have taken more notice to what I give up or give in to. I know some say that it’s for the greater good but ain’t none of it good if I’m not. And I said what I said the way I said it. Iykyk. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I always tell people to stop putting me on a pedestal because they don’t know what I give to have a family like mine. There is so much compromise and not just with my body in order to give birth to 12 beautiful children but also my desires and goals. I mean, I never once in my life woke up and just decided to birth 12 children. He’ll, my birth control methods outweigh my decision, they just failed. I pray McRush’s vasectomy lasts forever. So far, so good.

This week has been bumpy. I had a heart to heart with my mentor, and she made me realize that what I am good at isn’t necessarily conducive to what I’m good for. This was simply confirmation of what I have been playing with in my head. It sucks but, the truth usually does.

I have been trying to be more present on tiktok. Leverage my presence on LinkedIn as well as immerse into this new language I am aiming to learn. Atop of everything else, I have been pretty busy, and my body feels it. I have been on a better health journey, but I was just told by my doctor to stick to light cardio (which I hate) because I need to have hernia removal surgery. I just hope I can persuade him to take a little extra fat out for good measure. 😁

My goal this week is to declutter the house a bit. We have a couple of doctor appointments as well, but outside of that and homeschooling, it’s going to be a pretty easy week.

I hate being right.

Not really.

Everybody likes to be right sometimes. Except, I’m right all the time, and this isn’t even an ego stroke. It’s a fact.

My mom taught me to speak the truth, and while I was not always an honest teen-who is really – but I have come to enjoy and even expect the truth at all costs. So much so that I distance myself from people who lie. Even ‘little white’ ones. I see no logic in misleading someone or even withholding the truth. Yeah, people from my past life would say I have come a long way.

I have learned to speak what I know and not from conjecture or objectively. The truth is what it is, and it can never be anything less. Or more. And it doesn’t need my help. I am often quiet for this very reason, but when I speak, I speak only what I know to be a fact. Sure, I may offer my opinion, but it’s usually based on statistical fact unless spoken from a place of experience and emotion, which I also try not to do.

Another truth, I listen. I’ve learned to listen to what you say and what you don’t say. I listen to your tone and your body language. I listen to your silence, and I act or speak accordingly.

This has created a problem within myself because I am also very empathetic. Not to be confused with sympathetic because that serves neither of us. But I try to apply what I learn and know about a person, couple this with how we interact with one another, and I conclude a theory of how we should interact. With this, I always give 100%. The problem is, most people don’t know how to give 100% to another person. This creates an imbalanced relationship that ultimately ends abruptly. This is also why I tend to keep to myself. I mean, I want friends but do I really?

As a mom of 12, it can become cumbersome to split my time, especially doing things outside of my desires. Add to that being a wife and business owner, friendships can become burdensome. This alone equates to another problem, dependency. I would need to depend on my husband and children to fulfill the desire of being wanted and appreciated, and let’s face it, that’s not always going to be the case.

This is not to say my husband is not great and my children aren’t loving because they are. It’s just that my life begins to revolve around them.

I have found, recently, that I have no desire to care fully for myself. I mean, I bathe. 🙄 But the longing that I once had to wake up and be my best has turned into waking up and doing my best, and they are not the same.

My oldest asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him nothing. He looked at me perplexed, to which I responded, “I want to get my nails done, and my hair done.” I want my eyebrows arched and some new heels. That requires maintenance, and I just don’t have it in me to commit to it. Saying that made me feel sad inside, but it was so true. I am just robotically moving, doing what needs to be done.

I am overwhelmed. The worst part is that I know what I need to do to fix it but have no ambition in doing so. 😕 It’s a very odd feeling. Something I am not quite used to. It’s not necessarily a problem, now, but I foresee that it will be.

It’s amazing how truthful we can be to others but won’t accept the truth about ourselves. My problem is, I don’t know what that truth is. 🙃


My onlyfans

There are so many options to make money out here. I was applying to jobs fir the holiday season but the biggest obstacle I encountered is I own my own company so getting a position in the same line of work is damn near impossible. I suppose it’s because people feel like I am going to take their trade secrets or clients. The only thing I was trying to do was make a few extra dollars. Alot of jobs say I am over qualified. I always hated that statement but being a business owner I get it. If I hire someone and not maximizing their full capability (because I’m not paying them enough) it more than likely will not work out. This is when most people get bored and start looking for work elsewhere especially if they are unable to get a bump from you.

I hate shopping so while the Amazon position I seen was quite appealing I knew I would not stick with it for more than a week. Ian, I am a mom of 12 who homeschools and I am also a wife so shopping never even makes my list of things to do. Either McRush does it or I shop online.

I also considered starting a side hustle but I would want it to be fully legit. That is, afterall what I teach. With that being said I would need to invest in it first which means I am doing the opposite of what I set out to do…. make money.

I considered a yard sale for all of the unwanted and unused things we have but that takes more work than I am willing to put in. 🙃

The Way I see it, my only option is OnlyFans. People are making hundreds of thousands of dollars with it. I mean they are probably doing some things I am not willing to do so my rate goes down exponentially. The problem is I cannot think of anything I can do on onlyfans that is not disrespectful to my husband. There’s the whole foot thing but that means I would have to keep up on weekly pedicures and I don’t like them. 😞

I am such a fickle person. Particular and fickle.

I guess at this rate my family is my onlyfans and they don’t pay enough. 😂

Invisible God

While 2022 has been quite the bumpy road…. no, dirt road with gravel and stones… I am proud of myself for getting through it. There were a few scares and some stumbles but overall, I didn’t die.

Just so you know, this isn’t about to be some quirky religious post, I just couldn’t think of a catchy title. It popped in my head and voila. That is the extent of my creativity.

I will say though that I have been feeling pretty invisible myself these past few months. I mean, I have pitched clients, emailed resumes, called businesses. Even my social media is declining. I really feel like I may be caught in the twilight zone. 🤔

I already know that I am invisible to my children. I have been gentle parenting but somehow the children missed the memo to reciprocate with gentle children-ing. In case you didn’t know I have 12 so it gets a little rough around here.

My decision to gentle parent had nothing to do with my upbringing but moreso my lack of assertion. Yup. I said it. I have always been so concerned about other people’s feelings, emotions, and outcomes of my actions and behavior that I really think it has made me a bad mom. Not because I gentle parent but because I hold on to gentle parenting as a clutch to my inability to put my foot down. I can think of a time or few when my children should have gotten a swift kick in the butt instead of a conversation about behavior because let’s face it, children know better. They may not understand the full capacity of the ramifications but they definitely know what’s right from what’s wrong.

Eh. Anyway, I’m on a tangent. Those who know me understand that I am as Black and white as they come, very simple, and a self proclaimed minimalist. I am still trying yo figure out how I have not exploded because McRush and the children are the complete opposite. It drives me insane. Like why are we keeping the boxes to everything? Why do we have 40 towels? Why do we have 15 bicycles? Why do we need 2 brooms and another new one that we have had for about 6 months. I will literally be on the brink of crying but I have to remember that it’s not just my world.

I have been limiting my time and reading more which, now that I think about it could be the reason for my decline aforementioned 🤔. Anyway. Reading really calms me and since I rarely get to do it with all of my daily tasks, I have been feeling a little unraveled.

Due to my self reflections and accountability I am realizing that I have some pretty destructive safe havens. I smoke black and mild when I need to take a breath. I drink to sleep of any anxiety. I vape to relax and zone out. I cuss and yell when I am having a hard time expressing myself in a way that people will listen. To be honest, I just want a simple road. I have never had one and I do not anticipate gaining access to one in the future so, I have a therapist. We were iff to a weird start, missing calendar dates, I’ll coordinated times, forgetfulness. You name it but we got it together now.

So, here is to a new me to bring into the new year. A happy healthy more vibrant me that is as intentional as much as she is successful.

T I Red.

What a whirlwind of, well, everything. You know how you do research and you find yourself down a rabbit hole of thongs you didn’t know you didn’t know? Well, that’s been my life lately. 🙃

So much so that I had to put myself on a 30 days to discipline. I mean at this point I don’t know if I just don’t care or if I’m depressed. I am a very active depressed person. I learned this long ago when I didn’t know or even consider whether I was depressed. My husband told me. I am something like a control freak with o.c.d. not to mention my high anxiety. I am actually on a medication called zoloft for it although I don’t take it. 😬

In addition to homeschooling being all over the place and me not having any current clients, I have some family issues going on (outside of the RushBunch). Due to my anxiety I have always avoided conflict but somehow it always finds me. I just let everything ride because I do not have the mental capacity to handle it without vomiting or feeling light headed/passing out. I am a people pleaser because I value peace but whew. It’s a lot.

I have a cousin that recently went on a warpath bashing her dad on social media instead of talking to him. Not only was she wrong but the issues were ones she harbored from years ago. So what was the point. While I do blog and am very upfront about what I do and am going through, I would never do that. That leaves me to question, how do I handle it then? 😪

I start therapy in a couple days so hopefully I can iron it out without confronting anyone because I just can’t. I’d rather move out of the country. 😅

So, this 30 days to discipline thing I’m on, I’m a few days in but I also missed a few days. I am going to pick up where I left of but to keep myself more accountable I am going to start posting it in here. I must warn you, things get personal. It is an even more transparent view of my life as a wife, mom of 12, homeschooler, business owner, and student.

My hope is that I inspire you to do more and be more as I aim to do the same.

I always knew that I was made for more and as bad as I want it, I have to go get it. You coming with?