Just Ask Maia

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Its Sunday. I dont do early on Sundays. Alas. Here I am. I drag my feet towards the stairs to wake Isaiah who has to be to work by eight a.m. clear across town. It works out I guess because I have been putting off grocery shopping for so long that the only thing to snack on in the house are some ranch chickpeas. Don’t ask. If the bunch wants to eat, I cook. It was some form of responsibility  that we were teaching the kids that I forgot somewhere along the way. 🤷🏾‍♀️ It was definitely punishment for me though. 🥴

Of course he is knocked out and now on the verge of being late.

After dropping him off I headed to the one place that, for one reason or another, is the bane of my existence. Walmart. I dont even know why I dont like shopping at Walmart.  They have fair prices and it really is a one stop shop. I think its because of all the bad publicity they get from people looking every way but decent when shopping there. I just dont want any parts.

Anywho. You may have guessed that Isaiah moved back home about a month ago. We’ve been working on getting his footing again.

I woke up feeling meh today. Which is not totally out of the norm for me but this was a deeper level of meh that I just couldn’t put my finger on. I still got that 10 minute workout in. I’m starting again and easing myself  back into exercising. So, 10 minutes a day this week, 20 next, 25 after that.

I’m proud of me. I have a lot going on mentally and still manage to push through the actual chaos of life. Somedays it’s a lot harder than others. I usually just take a moment before I get out of bed to breath through it and remind myself that everything is not for me to control. Today I hit the ground on go so I didn’t get my moment.

I’d forgotten some things at Walmart and there was no way I was going back in there so I ran to food lion. Way more expensive so I was in and out $163 later. I rush home to cook breakfast and get my prep work and cleaning done. Taking a pause to run to the store to grab some school supplies for Ty who starts his college courses Tuesday (🤗).

Getting back home in time to start dinner, collard greens, baked Mac and cheese, corn bread, and turkey loin with a glass of lemonade, and doing laundry all while battling a “girly things”.

I fixed the plates and washed the dishes.

I promised I would blog today but I really dont feel like it. But one thing that I dont do is a break promise to myself.

Maybe I should promise to hit the lottery. 🤔

I just want to make clear that I am okay. I blog my good days and my bad days so people know that they’re not alone. But know this,       I. Love. My. Life. I am living the life that I literally prayed for, everyday. And for that, I am ever so grateful.

I am easy on the eyes. Easy on the smile. Easy with my heart. Easy with my care. Easy is giving and I’ve got Easy down packed. But there were hard parts of me.

Hard to lead. Hard to carry. Hard to direct.
My Hard was not accepted by some. Abused by others.

But my Hard was worthy of love too. I never knew that.

I never knew that I didn’t have to be perfect.
I never knew that it was okay to fall.
I never knew, until he showed me.

He came from no where. Belonging to no one. Held to no time. But he was mine.

I was so broken I couldn’t see it.
I was always the leader, the guide, the breadwinner. I was always in the wrong role, I thought.

I thought that’s how it was meant to be. Somebody’s gotta get the short end of the stick. Right?

Wrong. I was so wrong.

He came and showed me what love should look like. What love should be like. What love should FEEL like.

He showed me that my Hard parts were worthy of love, of patience, of embrace. He showed me that hard parts aren’t hard, they’re wounded parts wearing a disguise. He said I didn’t need the disguise anymore. I was safe.

Thank you to the exes that fumbled me.
The boys that played with my heart, manipulated my mind. Thank you for dropping the ball, for trading me in.

I have a home team now and the owner adores me. He loves me soft and he loves me  hard.

And I love him down.
-Rush

We start school tomorrow and I have really been contemplating going back to school (again) myself. Outside of the student loan I may have to get to supplement, I cant think of any reason I shouldn’t. 🤔

What have you been considering for yourself?

Last year we did a split, homeschool and public school. This year we’re back on homeschooling exclusively because my children do not perform well. Not for lack of trying or their actual ability but because my children, for whatever reason, are instantly popular. And honey they eat that UP! Unfortunately they cannot multi task. I wish they could keep up their grade and be mr/Mrs popularity.

I am so excited to teach full time this year. Courses will be harder, rules will be more strict, and deadlines will be enforced.

Thats the hardest part about homeschooling really, turning off mom and turning on teacher. Everything else is a breeze.

What will be tricky is navigating current events. The news changes up constantly, not everything is being reported, and most news outlets lean left or right. I just want the honest truth.

It almost seems like school isn’t worth it. Everything my generation was taught is a lie, I dont know what to believe as new files are being unsealed and declassified.  But it’s fun learning all the things I didnt know but thought I did.

I think back to times when an education above elementary was null because we used our hands more.  We thought more. Now with everchanging technology you dont know who’s smart and who’s stupid because nothing is a fact. It’s like we’re in a dystopian world.

Despite that, I’m teaching everything. Old, new, and changing.

We have different sets of encyclopedias to compare how things change. I like this method of teaching because it keeps them flexible and open for more knowledge. I want them so enthralled with knowledge that they believe that they can do absolutely anything that they set their minds to. Because I believe they can.

So many of us are fighting a war within. Housing and food insecurities, turbulent relationships because is more financially responsible to stay, joblessness, etc.

While I am not having those issues, I am fighting a war within as well.

My oldest, 4 years ago decided to join the military. He didnt have to like so many others. He had options. School, stable home, employment opportunities. He chose to and I hate it. I hate it because the military is driving him down. He is strong minded and able bodied. He is in phenomenal shape and always praised for being a great leader. The problem is, as a black man, he’s TOO strong. Too smart. Often times he is reminded to stay “in his place”. Not by the everyday command but with his coworkers. There is always an under-the-breath remarks about him being black. The overt actions of racism and often straight out racist remarks.

While I have raise a strong man, four years is a long time to endure racism alone. You can’t talk about it. You can’t complain about it.

So much of America is rooted in racism that it sometimes feels impossible to get from under it. It breaks my heart that there’s nothing I can do. Sure, I can make some calls but I know that will not make his remaining years in the military any easier.

Now. Now we have an actual war where the same people who have tried to tear my son down will need to stand with him as they fight together and protect one another, but will they?

This is a pointless war. One started by a man who was placed on a pedestal for his riches and power through the culture. A man who was praised for his good acts but people turned their heads to his bad ones. If only we all could be given that same energy.

We are losing our lives all across America to “save” those who are going through the same things we are. How does that make sense?

Trillions of dollars for war but no money for the homeless, jobless, foodless right here at home. What is the end goal? Power? What is power when everybody dislikes you and is always plotting against you? Is that even power?

Pray for our children who have to fight in this senseless war. We have already lost 6. Yes 6 doesn’t seem like a big number but that is 6 families with broken trust and broken hearts.

What are we doing? 😢