My WHY.

People that start their own businesses are often encouraged to find out and expand on their ‘why’. Why do you want to do this thing that you are doing? Why do you continue putting forth so much effort when sometimes it seems pointless?

Your ‘why’ is meant to be a foundation of what will keep you going on the days you are tired and want to quit. Most times people will say that their why is their children or their parents. Sometimes its for their spouses or simply because they no longer want to be where they are now in their current situation which could be anything from homeless or brokenness.

I can make pages of a list of what keeps me going, I won’t,  but I can. I have a large family whom I love so very dearly. I have a husband that inspires me to keep going or quit because he has my back regardless. But for me, my why is so simple. It wasn’t always simple as I would rack my brain over whats more important to me to place on my ‘why’ list and as I push forward my list is actually quite short. Really, beyond short because it consists of only one reason. Because I want to.

Oftentimes we struggle and get so lost in life and devote ourselves to so many causes and people that we lose ourselves. I gave up plenty of things to be an awesome wife and mother,  yeah I said it, AWESOME! But in our giving, as women we have to remember that we are just as important and the important people in our lives. 

This is not something you always know, this is definitely a learned mindset but now that I have learned it, I am happily passing it on. So the next time someone asks you what is your ‘why’, simply hold your head up high and with pride say, because I want to. 

-Rush

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I cried last night.

I recently shared a post on Facebook saying I felt like I needed to cry but nothing was wrong. I got a lot of sisterly advice to allow the release to flow. I didn’t.  Truth is, I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and helpless, furthermore tears never resolve problems in my humble opinion. I moved past it. This was about three days ago.

Well, last night I went in my bathroom while McRush slept and I sobbed. It was quiet because I know he would have come in. At first I didn’t know what I was crying about but as I allowed the tears to fall all of this anxiety and anger and frustration came pouring to the surface revealing the true heaviness of my heart. 

I cried because my business is stressful running it by myself but not financially secure enough for me to hire someone. I cried because I am overweight and cannot seem to get it under control. I cried because my children drive me crazy some days. I cried because my relationships are strained (not with McRush). I cried because I don’t get enough rest.I cried because so many people are losing their lives. I cried because, well because I just do not know what else to do.

The release was not as fullfilling as I thought it would be, it never is that’s why I don’t do it, but it did bring up some suppressions that I obviously need to take care of to be a better more happy me. Do I recommend it? Not if you’re like me and need to find wholeness in everything you do because crying isn’t it. But, if you need to find the source of your sadness, sure. For me, it just gave me a list of things that I need to add to my to do list. Thanks, me, for being a crybaby.

-Rush 

Caught in the middle.

There is a man that I look up to very much, yes someone outside of McRush. He is a very wise man and a very prosperous business owner, which is why I look up to him and have been even before Rush Consulting Firm was thought of. He keeps me on my toes with his creative ideas and desire to continue to move forward. He gave me some advice awhile back and I was hesitant yet equally as eager to take it. For those who know me or my Facebook page, I am very vocal when it comes to Reflections, whether it be for self accountability (which I blogged about and if you didn’t read it, you should) or for the injustices and/inequalities of Reflections. I am very unapologetic and dedicated to moving forward in what some would call the revolution, but I call Stand up.

This amazing man told me that I should clear my Facebook of things on my personal page that would be deemed as biased which in turn would potentially turn away clientele. I thought that he had a point and so I tediously went through my Facebook page and deleted all of my ‘controversial’ posts. I was compliant and I did not feel as sad about it as I would have thought. HOWEVER, moving forward as well as thinking back, I should have left it although I still agree that in general it was a very wise decision, just not for me.

Let’s think back first. Rush Consulting Firm, rather the intent for Rush Consulting Firm, was for the empowerment and building along with self sufficiency FOR Reflections not the general population. Yet going along with the general conception, I was quickly seen as an asset to ‘other’ communities rather than that of Reflections. Business is business and I rarely turn it down so I found myself oftentimes promoting to all as opposed to some which is where fine tuning my very public Facebook comes in.

Now let’s look at moving forward. The goal for Rush Consulting Firm still remains, in my heart, one of the biggest assets to Reflection’s community. Although it’s like pulling teeth, I will not lie, to get Reflections to support, I still have much confidence in my vision for my company. It is a matter of showing that Rush Consulting Firm is indeed an asset.

As I look through my Facebook feed, It really breaks my heart all of the stories I hear about police brutality towards Reflections. As a mother and wife I cannot take the pain of so many people lost at the hands of police. I want to yell and scream and cry and fight.  Therefore I find myself here, knowing the advice is very good advice but do I post about it?

Let me say that I know posting means NOTHING! Nothing! You can post and cry, you can post and march but change will not come until we stand. I am so tired. Everyone is waiting for a leader, someone to follow, but that is what is wrong with the community of Reflections, we are not taught to lead ourselves. We are so busy fighting among one another; who is more black, is Jesus real, black on black crime vs police on black crime. We are literally fighting the injustices of our people, the injustices for our people, AND our own people. When will enough be enough? What is wrong with us?

I know the revolution isn’t for everyone, but are we really this naive as a people? I do not know about you but I will NOT die with my hands up and I will NOT die on my knees.

All power to the people.

-Rush

Oh Em Geee!

Friday night I was granted every mother’s wish. It was totally unexpected and really caught me off guard, so much so I was initially resistant. #7 was invited to a birthday party on Saturday and since her cousin was going, my sister offered for her to stay the night to ride with them. I was hesitant initially because I just don’t let my babies stay the night out, if you don’t know why, you haven’t been following me long. Anyhow, I went to drop her off and, GET THIS, my sister wanted them all!!!! Yes, all nine of my babies. Now while I feel better sending all nine than just one, I was still very reluctant but it is my sister and I trust her mounds. So McRush and I had the night and the house to ourselves.

It was a very weird feeling as we thought back and realized we have never been without all of our children at once EVER! How exciting right? Wrong, I worried the entire night. I talked about how much I missed them and I wanted to change mind and go get them but We enjoyed a nice quiet dinner together without interruption. When we went to bed, I could swear I heard one of the babies crying. I was miserable. I was excited to pick up my RushBunch early Saturday morning I was almost giddy…ALMOST. I picked up my eight but was saddened to leave my girl.

Well It’s Sunday and all of my babies are home AND I WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY!!!!!

Ugh! What was I thinking not taking advantage of the peace and quiet I have always longed for, well maybe not always but surely consistently in the past 6 years.

Stupid bipolar mommy moments!

On another note, I’d hired someone to do my laundry. I guess she changed her mind because I never heard back from her. Smh

-Rush

Virtuous? Hmmmm

The bible states that we must be virtuous and knowledge is the most important application in being virtuous. Now, I am not one to go against the word of God but there are levels to virtue. And while having knowledge is top of the list when having a close and intimate relationship with God I am here to tell you that when it come to being a virtuous mother and wife, honey patience is what you need. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of this. I take so many deep breaths in a day I am surprise I don’t hyperventilate.  Whoosa! The biggest thing when being a wife is knowing that is not always important to have the last word and saying less is more. That’s my constant hurdle. I have always been one to have to have the last word. And as vain or cocky as this may sound, I am rarely wrong but that’s only because I speak what I know or firmly believe not just guessing without having any knowledge of the subject. But my husband is not much different than many other husbands, they have to be correct. No real reason just something in that testosterone that says you must be right at all times or else. You can’t really fault him for it though, I believe all men are born with a caveman mentality.  Lol.

As far as being a mother, patience is extremely detrimental to your happiness and well being. There is this ultra fine line of discipline and allowing your child to express themselves and THAT takes patience…and knowledge. We have to remind ourselves that they are adults in training. However we cannot overlook the fact that these young adults need discipline and structure while expressing themselves. Also remember that they will mock what they see as well.

Tonight we were driving home and I was working on a project unintentionally. ……okay maybe it was a little intentional. .. alright…..

Tonight we were driving home and I was working on a project while ignoring the children calling my name. It was driving me absolutely crazy by the way but what I was working on I could not allow a break in the flow or all would be lost. A few minutes later Ty called Bella. He called her about nine times. I turned around (taking that break I didn’t want to take) and asked Bella if she heard her brother calling her, she said yes. I asked her why and she had no answer. I know that she was only doing it because I just did it to her. I could be mad and tell her like my mother told me, “do as I say not as I do” but that’s just stupid because children emulate us that’s how they grow and learn but that takes patience. Without patience you are unable to know when to act (teach) or react (discipline).

I by no means know it all but I hope you will continue to follow me and my family as I continue to strive to be a virtuous woman for my family.

-Rush

 

Just a regular mom.

HA! Sike! I’m no regular mom! I’m supermom!!!! Then I slap the alarm and literally roll out of bed. Onto the floor is where I start my meditation. Ohmmmmmm. I am sure to feel the vibations through my body as I repeat in my head, today will be a peaceful day.

10 minutes later I am yelling at my bunch to get out of my room so I can shower in peace. It never works by the way, upon exiting the shower my room is still filed with an audience.

I go over the same rules of the morning which are never obliged; clean your room, brush your teeth and put on some clothes. In my attempts to escape to the kitchen there is a trail of two or three littles who are obviously, in their minds, immune to the aforementioned rule.Struggling to make breakfast and be the watchman for everything not kid friendly, which is everything a child shouldn’t be touching, I have officially started my day.

Some days, if I am wise, I have planned out the school work ahead of time and I can focus on getting some Rush Consulting Firm work done. Otherwise I spend the entire duration of their workday fussing and reiterating because my children like to drive me crazy. My breaks during the day are usually because I need to make breakfast lunch or dinner. always running always moving. Most days I forget that I am pregnant. By the end of the day I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I am exhausted but I wouldn’t change it for the world, well maybe a cup of coffee. But I stopped drinking coffee, and drinking and smoking, and cursing… GOD! What was I thinking!!!

-Rush

My transparency because I am so tired of holding it in.

As most of you know, in late 2011 my husband lost his job. It was just weeks after I lost mine. With no income and unemployment barely paying bills, we became homeless.

We were homeless for about six months. We lived in our car and McRush picked up odd and end jobs to pay for a night or so in a hotel. We caught a break in a neighborhood that we would rather not be in but it was better than out Durango. We moved in the apartment May 31. On June 16, we received a phone call from my sister in law whom I had never met. She said my brother got locked up and she couldn’t care for their baby and waned to know if I could come get her TODAY. I said yes, she said she would call me back in a few but never did. The next day we were walking into church, yes church, we used to do that, and she called again, I told her we would be right there after service assuming she was not serious again. After church I called her and she still wanted us to come. We went home, changed clothes, and headed to Florida.

We got my niece with a few outfits and a walker. Before we jumped back on 95 to head home we stopped at the store to get diapers, bottles, and milk for her.  she was just three months older than our youngest. We tried desperately to get something in writing stating we could care for her but they never obliged and they wouldn’t come to get her either so we took them to court. They were on drugs and in the streets and frankly a child was just not in their plans. She is 5 now.

This put a slight strain on the relationship I had with my mother because she felt like she should get my niece because she was her grandmother. I felt like it was my duty to grant my brother his wish to keep his child. This ‘beef’ eventually died off, at least for me it did.

Jump to 2015.

For whatever reason, my brother and his wife decided, despite the fact that they have absolutely NO connection with my niece (whom I call my daughter), they were going to have another child. This time they had him in South Carolina. Immediately upon giving birth, child protective services was called in and they lost custody. The child was given to my husband and I upon discharge. Again, my mother felt she should have this child because she is the grandmother and at this point, I was pregnant myself and she thought I had too many children as it is.

Now backing up just a little, we let my niece stay with my mom for awhile (1 year) and when we wanted her to come home she was livid. so keep in mind that added fuel to this new issue which was happening almost simultaneously.

So we now have custody of my nephew. My mom said some very harsh things to me and about me. Most of them were not true and were spewed out of anger. I maintained my respect for her and let her say what she wanted because I am a coward. I have always been a coward. I have let people use and abuse me mentally, physically, and most of all emotionally. I have always been the punching bag and I  never strike back. It has taken me all my life to realize I do not deserve this and that the only way to move forward with peace happiness and harmony is to cut ties. It hurts like hell but for once in my life I have to be truly happy.

In my line of work, I have to motivate people on a constant and consistent basis. I tweet empowerment often, but what people do not know is those tweets are really for me. They keep my going and they keep me in good spirits.

It is time for me to give back to me.

My mother is not the only one. Just know this. I am getting to old to continue to endure pain pointlessly. I implore you to do the same.

-Rush

where did the time go?

Somewhere along the lines we have completely fallen onto some warped schedule that  is kinda working for me, yet I feel like my life is one long continuous repeat of the movie Groundhog day.

It is 2:38 in the morning and I am just fighting..I mean getting, the RushBunch in the bed. Sleep is another thing entirely. I don’t know what happened. One day we all slept in a little, okay a lot too late and its been this shift every since. Its been about three weeks now and I cannot seem to motivate my life enough to re shift the strain. There is, of course the possibility that I don’t want to. I mean, who doesn’t want to sleep in? Especially if the bunch sleeps in too! Ahhh, mommy heaven. Considering my children have never been morning people, I am sure it doesn’t bother them at all considering they do not start class until two in the afternoon.

Still, I miss the mornings, kinda. its something special about being a successful entrepreneur and homeschooling, your schedule is a free or as full as you want it to be. Everyday I tell myself that no matter what time I go to bed I am going to get up at 6:30 and break this silly, yet enjoyable cycle. But alas, going to bed at three and four in the morning, no matter what my intentions, I am almost guaranteed not to get up with the sun as planned. Now rest assured, if I have a morning meeting or conference call, I do manage to get my life in order momentarily to handle my business and then I am up for the day. So its not so much a matter of control, or lack there of, but a matter of desire.

I know what you may be thinking, I am not setting a good example for my children by allowing them to sleep in. But touche’ I am teaching my children that is it very possible to live life on your terms while still being responsible and prosperous citizens. They are learning well above their standards in homeschool all while exercising their right to entrepreneurship. We have #1 who started his lawn service and #3 who started her pillow making company. #2 is waiting on his contents to do his lemonade stand.

I must say that although I definitely have my days, I enjoy homeschooling because there is so much missed information as well as misinformation when it comes to the public school system. My children learn about self respect, economics, credit, their own history and so much more. I wish I could order some encyclopedia Britannica because they love research and learning, I almost don’t have to teach them.. almost, no such luck.

I would like to add that the only downfall to this wacky schedule is, they are completely imposing on my personal quiet time which is when I do my best work, in the still quiet of the GM hours. I still don’t know what that means, but if your are black and spent anytime around your grandparents you know what that means in gist.

Well the three o’clock hour is upon me and though I am not tired, the littles are asleep now and it is in my best interest to join them.

Until next time my loves. All Power To The People!

-Rush

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