Vanity to suicide.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in this world is my children. That’s not to say I have beautiful babies, although I believe I do. It’s more because I look at them every day and realize what a beautiful thing I have done. Just for clarity, yes, I am aware that hoth my husband and I made these babies possible, but this is my blog, and I am talking about me and my feelings. Therefore, I use ‘I’ speaking from my experience.

Side note. I think it’s absurd that we have now found ourselves in a position where we need to clarify every single word that comes out of our mouths as not to offend anyone because they seem to lack logic and common sense but I digress, for now.

Through all of my fuck ups, mix ups, and mess ups I have been brought to moments where an absolute miracle chose to use me as a vessel to enter a world undeserving of their presence. There are some people who believe that bringing children into this world is selfish, and when you sit down and actually consider the argument, it’s true. But it’s a selfish that I will never regret. It is a selfish that I will always protect. I say all the time that I never wanted children, but I suppose that’s not entirely true. It’s not that I didn’t want them. It’s just that I never actually considered them. I was young and smart. Graduated high school in 1996, 2 years before my time, though if I’m being fully honest, I got it through a community college. I actually dropped out of high school. I opted to take the test to graduate out, and I passed. I went to college in Philadelphia on the fast tract to law school. I mean, I had 6-8 classes at a time, and I stayed just above the c average. Low B but a B nonetheless. I was working 2 jobs and living my life in hustle mode. I loved it. I stayed out of trouble because, let’s face it, I never really had time to get into it. I was meeting new people and really enjoying my life.

I got mixed up with some dude who meant me no good. I eventually went on the run pregnant to get away from him. Here I was, a college dropout, trying to be somebody’s mother. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I never really paid that much attention to the way my mother gracefully raised us, so I was just lost. Ultimately, I felt like a disappointment to my mom, so I never went home for help. This led to bouts of homelessness, stripping, staying with strangers, and even having sex for money just to stay afloat. When my son was about 4, I finally went home. My bonus dad got me a car and a house, and things were starting to get back on track. I met a nice guy who said he only wanted to be friends, but I know he was lying to himself because he spent every moment he could in my presence. He didn’t want to be a dad, much less a stepdad, and that was his hiccup. But I enjoyed his company and his integrity. He never pushed for sex or anything more than time with me.

Eventually I fucked this life up too by getting tripped up in believing I should move again. See, the thing about me is I am damn near a gypsy. I can never manage to stay in one place too long. I just have to change. I kind of liked that, though, because it allowed me to explore more than my own backyard. By the age of 25, I had lived in 6 different states. That’s not including my childhood where I was not only a military brat but also how I learned my gypsy ways from my mother herself. She was my idol. I never understood how she did it all and always remained so poised and elegant. She went through some shit with my stepdad, but that’s not my story. I love him. He passed away, but man, did he really love me. ❤️

I wound up in Atlanta. I met a dumb ass guy who I got pregnant by. God, he was an ass. But he gave me my first beautiful baby girl. Madison. I swear I never had an easier baby in my life. She passed away, which ultimately led to our divorce, but I cherish every moment of her. He was REALLY an ass. In Atlanta, I found my groove. My mom used to always say that Atlanta is where black people go to get ahead and she is not lying. I landed a contract with an urgent care center immediately, which led to several other medical contracts. I was a master biller and strategist.

Leaving a lot of the story out for now, Madison’s death led me to South Carolina, where I met my husband, and we went on to have a plethora of children. I still get a lot wrong, and boy, do I have my bad days, but they are always what keep me going. Even on days when it’s really dark and hard. Although they can cause many of these days because, well, they’re kids, I always look at them and smile. Not when they’re mad at me, though, because I don’t want them to think that I’m a punk. But knowing that i created something so marvelous and perfect gives me a reason to be reminded that I am needed. And wanted. I thank God for that every day. I wake up and hug them and tell them thank you. Thank you for choosing me. They keep me grounded.

Dumbest thing I have ever done.

One time, I thought I could cook an egg in a microwave. That thing burned the inside of my mouth so bad I couldn’t eat for a week. Then there was this one time when my mom used to work at Walmart part-time. I went in there and I saw these earrings that I wanted so bad and I knew my mom wasn’t getting it for me so I put it in my pocket but I wasn’t very sneaky so I got caught. I embarrassed the h*** out of my mom. I wonder if she even remembered that. yeah, that was dumb.

There aren’t too many things that I’ve done that I consider dumb in my life. But the dumbest thing that I have ever done: are you ready for this? It’s a real shocker. I’m actually laughing at the thought that I’m going to tell you this but I am going to tell you and you’re probably going to clutch your pearls but honey it is absolutely the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

The dumbest thing I have ever done in my life is have children. No, for real, hear me out, hear me out? When I say having children was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, it’s not because I don’t love them and honor their presence. But I simply was not ready. Hell, I’m still not ready. I love these little life hiccups, but baby, I don’t know. I think there should be extensive sessions on how much you lose when you have children. Like time, privacy, and quiet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll fight you over mine, and you damn sure can’t have them, but if I am being 100% honest with myself. I’m too selfish to have children. Like, I don’t want to share my last bite of peach. I don’t want to cancel my plans yo take you to the E.R. I don’t want to learn how to do something just so I can teach you and you forget about it 30 minutes from now. Nothing about motherhood is reciprocal, and I don’t like that. I am a triple Leo, and this is a real problem for me.

I don’t know how to be selfless and unconditional. It’s just weird that for the rest of my life is not my life, and my life is not about me.

But oh how I love the kisses and hugs. I love the smiles and happiness. I love being a part of the growth and ah ha moments. I love that they will always love me, and I will always love them. I still look at them and can not believe that a real live person came frome. Like, I did that. I love it.

It’s still dumb but hey, we love a lot of our dumb decisions. That’s why we got married. 😉

My big baby and last baby

Love to hate or hate to love ❤️

My mom used to tell me, even before becoming one, that she hated teenagers. 😒 So naturally I mentally prepared myself for the drama to unfold as I inevitably had to succumb to an era that everything I did would be met with opposition. Turns out, it wasn’t so bad because though she hated teenagers she surely loved me and gave me numerous chances to redeem myself as I grew into a me I was true to.

Now, as a mother I fully understand her stance because teenagers are so annoying. I made it through my first round unhinged and I thought I was the g.o.a.t. but that second born… nah. Pick somebody else to do it. So I did. Dad, it’s your turn. I literally turn a blind eye to what’s going on. Unfortunately that makes me the mediator and counselor. This one is a boy so I am all for dad taking the lead but I think for the next ones, because they will be neck to back for 10 years I’m just going to move out.

I don’t know if I love to hate them or hate to love them but I know it’s something. The next teen is a girl and I don’t know if I am ready for all that plus the sass I get BEFORE they become teenagers.

I would say that I am a mix between helicopter parenting and gentle parenting. I want to be an overachiever because I think I am the shit BUT my children 😕 They test my patience and nerves. I’m very patient but not very tolerant. I am empathetic but not sympathetic. Everything is black and white to me but children have variables to their personalities and I don’t like that.

On top of maneuvering through my children and their emotions, I find myself gaining clarity on who I am. Who knew that I didn’t know? I thought I did but that’s the beauty in becoming a parent, it forces you to face the you and issues you so long ago suppressed. It’s a great thing to be honest. I still don’t know if I love to hate or hate to love em though. 🤷🏾‍♀️

What in the itchy hand is going on here!!

I think we should talk about this itchy hand thing because it seems to work for everyone but me. It’s like the universe is trying to make me poor but I have too much audacity and tenacity to adhere. 🤣 And stubborn. Like, nah, been there done that. 😏

I remember praying to God for more money but every time I did, I would find myself pregnant. the irony is, it’s these children that are trying to milk me dry. I thought it would be financially responsible to homeschool. I mean, they can go to school in their pajamas. No gas for the car, no grabbing breakfast, and most importantly no time waiting in lines to drop them off and pick them up. But, uhm, these babies are just downright expensive. There’s no way of getting around it. Imagine football, cheer, ballet, gymnastics, karate, and programming. Bruh! They are killing me. 😫

To top it off, I really have to spend time with them too? Man parenting is the neediest relationship EVER. They need me and I need time. 😅 Ain’t a hiding spot in the house that they won’t find me, trust me, I tried. You would think that having a plethora of playmates would allot me some quality time to, I don’t know, take a bath. 😑

And to top it all off my hand be itching but my bank account don’t be increasing. I’m starting to think that the good Lord and I have our signals crossed. 🤣

If I don’t have any other reason to live righteous I do it for the sole purpose to have a conversation with God about my contract to come to earth cause I know I didn’t sign up for this…. or I didn’t read the small print. 🤔

What do you think?