Accountability in the Black community

I recently posted on Facebook;

There is a lot of blame going around in our communities but no accountability. We have to start being honest with ourselves Reflections. Ase’
With that being said, I decided to take a moment to reflect on my own accountability of the negative statistics within our communities as a whole. Of course I know that my Philadelphia roots and Florida upbringing do not directly affect the Texas statistics but I am talking about US as a whole which is something we need to start focusing more on instead of concentrating on “just me”. I am aware that we need to concentrate on ourselves sometimes but we also must keep in mind the bigger picture.

I have decide to make a list of the things I personally am responsible for in addition to a list that I also contribute to the black community, not for the purposes of justifying or otherwise erasing what I did to negatively affect us but for the purpose of showing growth. Well, here it goes.

I have negatively affected the statistics of the black community in many ways. I dropped out of high school and was a habitual runaway. I hung out with what I knew was the wrong crowd resulting in getting taken into a juvenile detention facility at the age of 15. I was promiscuous, though never resulting in pregnancy, in my teenage years (16-17). I engaged in a cohabiting relationship that resulted in children out of wedlock. I was married and divorced twice. While in college I stripped, not for school but for extra money. I was a habitual liar up until I was about 19 years old. I had no regards to the wise words that my elders spoke to me about. I stayed in a religion that affected me mentally into believing that suffering was the only way to please God (paraphrasing). I deliberately sabotage some blessings by believing I was not good enough and I let that esteem trickle down to my children. I intentionally kept my son away from his father resulting in me being a single parent for years and it was a strained and bitter relationship resulting in a broken child.

Those are my blames that I accept responsibility for and hold myself accountable everyday. These are also the things that attribute to my desire to make amends with myself for my own brokenness and my life vow to do better not only for me but for the community as a whole.

Here is my short, but growing, list of contributions I make to our community now.

I stopped lying (long ago). I went back to school to get my GED and went on to study Law, although I have not completed yet.I have started several small businesses, not just for myself but others within our community. I do free consultations for people who want to start their own business and help them along the way. I am a motivational speaker to those who feel like because they are black they can’t accomplish something. That is NOT true. I am an activist for the equality for black people and other so called minorities. I study and pass on my knowledge to others via speaking engagements or everyday conversations. I am an advocate for the less fortunate/homeless. I homeschool my children to not follow in my footsteps and teach them who they really are and to live up to their true potential. I have apologized to my sons father and we have a better relationship because of it. I have apologized to my son as well admitting my faults and role in his pain. I have been married and have since had many more children. Of course I am faithful to him mind and body. I have left organized religion and embraced my focus on having a better relationship spiritually with the God of my own understanding. I have kept two children out of the system and raise them as my own. I deliberately search out elders in the community and seek their wisdom. I openly welcome all blessings flowing to an through me as I know I am truly worth it.

That wasn’t too hard. And it actually feels refreshing to get it all off my chest in addition, it’s also good to see how far I have come. I implore my Reflections to do the same as a starting point to rebuilding our community and contribute to our growth as a whole.

Namaste Reflections.

-Rush

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Eek.

Yaaay me, I made it through day three! Today was a piece of cake, even though I was hungry a little, I managed to make it through…wait, I bit a chicken nugget. Oh, God! I will see a five pound increase on the scale in the morning. I am not like normal people who can eat and not worry about it but even worse, if I so much as LOOK at a cheese burger I feel the added pounds instantly. Pray for me you guys. I am determined to  make it through this thing. It is no longer about a detox or shedding weight, for me it is about proving to myself that I can do something for myself. I give so much to other people that I misplace myself. By the time I find me I have to be dusted off and reaffirmed. I am too old to continue to put myself to the back burner. I am taking baby steps to live the words I pass on to my clients. I. Am. Worth. It.

In other iRush news, I am planning my New Years black and white tie event and I have put out a post that i needed an event planner because I have too much going on to pick up a project like this entirely and let me tell you, These people and their customer service skills are so ridiculous. I actually taught a few classes in customer service etiquette and most of these people need it. It seems as though I will end up doing it myself because not only are the people skills lacking but the prices are ridiculous. You cannot charge a small business the same amount you would charge a major company that has made the Forbes list four times, DUH. If you feel like you can, good for you, do not undercut yourself, however do not be nasty and negative when I have to say i will pass because I do not want to pay $97,00 for a dinner event. I declare.

In happier news, My children are doing very well in their academics. I am going to call the schools tomorrow though and get them screened because I want to be sure they are on the excelling track. Please, if you even think that you can home school your children, I implore you to. I know it seems like I go on daily with business as usual without bringing up the issues like my people being gunned down and stories being fabricated in order to criminalize them instead of just saying you made a mistake. It is senseless and I am not only hurting, I am also keeping my love ones in my sight at all times. I have a loving husband who does not do drugs, smoke, or even cuss/curse whom has never been in any trouble besides a speeding ticket for going 35 in a 30. In addition I have a soon-to-be 16 year old boy who is finding himself as a young man but also has no criminal record, honor student, and is awesome at avoiding peer pressure, but I also have five other sons and three daughters who I am teaching to be respectful yet wise. I see it, I hear it, I feel it. I just refuse to capitalize on it by turning my blog into an opinionated banter of back and forth between myself and followers. Its pointless and arguing will solve nothing. I will say I pray for you guys every night and I pray that you are returning the favor.

-Rush
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Family vacation my FOOT!

So I have been off of here for a few days and there is so much that I would like to share with you guys, my thoughts, interactions, and goings-ons, that I am going to have to post a few blogs tonight just to catch up.

Let us start with this “family vacation” we have recently gone on……..

I do not even know where to start but let me first say that whoever came up with the term FAMILY vacation was obviously delusional in every aspect of the matter. At no point during our trip to Myrtle Beach did I feel or have the remote inkling that I was on vacation. There was nothing that I did that said vacation. I will admit though that everything said, family.

We were blessed to be able to get a room for a very reasonable rate that had a kitchenette in it. There was a pool right outside our door and the beach was like a 45 second walk. The customer service was awesome. The keep was exceptionally pleasant and I even messed up a plate and they did not charge me for it (mostly due to the fact that I was honest and brought it to their attention first). The best part is they were a family and couples only hotel which meant everyone was civilized and respectful of one another. The best part was they never one time turned their noses up or turned us down once they found out that we have 9 children; this is especially a rarity for us when we travel.

Now, the trip. While I felt very extended while away because i was not only doing the same everyday things that I do at home, I had to do them in tighter living quarters and if you know me you would know that I hate clutter and cluttered situations but I digress for the good of the trip. I still had to get up and cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I still taught school and created daily lessons, I still worked for one of my clients (which I will not do ever again), and I still had to pack, unpack, and clean. This has brought me to the sad conclusion that no matter where I am I will always be slave, er, I mean mom.

My children are spoiled to the max and I am okay with that sometimes; on vacation is NOT one of those times.

I am just whining. Although I still felt like the nanny-cook-housekeeper-slave, the smiles and enjoyment from my children makes it all worth it. We went to the beach that my children beg to go to all the time but when we get there, they remember that they are deathly afraid of the water. The laughter I get from that alone makes the trip worthwhile. Lol. Likewise with the pool. Sai almost drowned in 3 feet even though he is 4 foot 2 inches tall. I laughed so hard at his dramatics that I almost forgot to save him (so his brother jumped in to do it). I kept yelling stand up but he was too busy being dramatic. And before you flood me with the fact that it is possible for him to drown in three feet while being over four feet tall, yes, I am well aware of that but if you knew Sai you would totally see why it was funny.

In the end (and even some parts of during) I did thoroughly enjoy the trip <—— (notice I didn’t say vacation). It was fun plus I got to hit some cool Thrift Stores on the way home.

 

-Rush

Only a black woman will truly understand

I had a moment. Its gone. I am so angry and I just don’t know why. Is it a stigma I was born with because I am a black woman? I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that we are all bred to be angry. What happened? I am going to lay it all out on the paper today. I will not proofread it or I will change it or not publish it.
I am on a journey to dig deep onto the revelation of the “Why” of an angry black woman. THIS angry black woman. As I sit and ponder about this subject, I began to wonder if it truly is our upbringing. We as women are bred to believe that we are to keep our mouths shut and find our place as a child. and mind our parents, suppressing any thoughts of anger or resentment without speaking how you feel. Taught to do as you are told and do as I say not as I do. I oftentimes wonder if this is the root of the anger of a black woman. Black boys are allowed to go out and dig ditches and play in the dirt,get into fist fights with other boys, argue with their neighbors children. They don’t have to do the same chores that we have to do. As I dig deep, I think about the difference in the way that we are raised as a black family. We are raised as little girls to act like a lady, carry of yourself accordingly, never really given the opportunity to express ourselves. On the other hand, boys- black boys- can do what they want “they’re just being boys” we are taught not to scrape up our knees or scuff our shins, hold your pinky up when you drink your tea. There are no rules to being a black boy. Now that I think about it we are raised to be angry black women not purposely and not because something happened to us. Its just the way that families are raised. “Girls don’t do that, girls don’t behave like that, black girls don’t act like that.” We’re raised to suppress what we are really truly feeling and usually the first relationship we get into we act the way we were raised; our first boyfriend respects that but as soon as we speak on something that we are angry about they give us a sideways look like we’re trying to act brand new but the truth is we’re mad and we are mad from within. We over react when we’re upset because we don’t know HOW to react when we’re upset, we weren’t taught to say what’s on your mind. We weren’t taught to say how we feel. We were taught to be delicate and soft and gentle but the truth of the matter is, some of us aren’t soft and delicate and gentle. The bottom line is we don’t know how to connect with our emotions, we don’t know how to casually speak that we’re angry or say that you did something to upset us. We hold it in and we suppress it. There’s a box of sensitivity within that holds that suppression and we get angry and we put it in the box we get mad and we put it in the box. We suppress it and suppress it and suppress it until the box of sensitivity can explode with just one touch. One wrong word from anyone. Who is that someone? Our mates. Because no matter how angry we get we were raised to respect our parents to act like a lady to stay in our place and to stay dainty. So that box of sensitivity will never explode on our parents. I believe that the anger that we hold with in starts from a very young age so yes sometimes, sometimes I am an angry black woman. And do you want to know the truth about it? I hate it. I hate being labeled as an angry black woman. I’ve been married for years and there’s a woman within that my husband doesn’t even know because I’m taught to suppress it and when I start to express it I lose my mind and he hates it so I suppress it. I don’t know how to express it so really there is no one thing that makes me mad there is no one man that’s made me mad, its life. Life is expression but if I can’t express myself then I’m not really living am I? I make a vow this day to teach my daughters that’s it is okay to express themselves. It is okay to say when you are upset or when you are hurt or when you are angry. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be angry. It’s NOT okay to hold on to it. I employ all of my black women, light skin, brown skin, dark skin, honey, peanut butter; it doesn’t matter what complexion you are, a black woman is a black woman and I am a black woman. I am raising black women we need to stand with one another and for one another find the roots of your anger and confront it. Our anger is not towards each other. We need to learn that, we need to know that, we need to own that. Accept that the key to growing is accountability. Take the accountability for your actions, it is the only way you can grow. It is the only way we will shake this stigma from our bones. I will lead the way by starting with me.
-Rush

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