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While 2022 has been quite the bumpy road…. no, dirt road with gravel and stones… I am proud of myself for getting through it. There were a few scares and some stumbles but overall, I didn’t die.

Just so you know, this isn’t about to be some quirky religious post, I just couldn’t think of a catchy title. It popped in my head and voila. That is the extent of my creativity.

I will say though that I have been feeling pretty invisible myself these past few months. I mean, I have pitched clients, emailed resumes, called businesses. Even my social media is declining. I really feel like I may be caught in the twilight zone. 🤔

I already know that I am invisible to my children. I have been gentle parenting but somehow the children missed the memo to reciprocate with gentle children-ing. In case you didn’t know I have 12 so it gets a little rough around here.

My decision to gentle parent had nothing to do with my upbringing but moreso my lack of assertion. Yup. I said it. I have always been so concerned about other people’s feelings, emotions, and outcomes of my actions and behavior that I really think it has made me a bad mom. Not because I gentle parent but because I hold on to gentle parenting as a clutch to my inability to put my foot down. I can think of a time or few when my children should have gotten a swift kick in the butt instead of a conversation about behavior because let’s face it, children know better. They may not understand the full capacity of the ramifications but they definitely know what’s right from what’s wrong.

Eh. Anyway, I’m on a tangent. Those who know me understand that I am as Black and white as they come, very simple, and a self proclaimed minimalist. I am still trying yo figure out how I have not exploded because McRush and the children are the complete opposite. It drives me insane. Like why are we keeping the boxes to everything? Why do we have 40 towels? Why do we have 15 bicycles? Why do we need 2 brooms and another new one that we have had for about 6 months. I will literally be on the brink of crying but I have to remember that it’s not just my world.

I have been limiting my social.media time and reading more which, now that I think about it could be the reason for my decline aforementioned 🤔. Anyway. Reading really calms me and since I rarely get to do it with all of my daily tasks, I have been feeling a little unraveled.

Due to my self reflections and accountability I am realizing that I have some pretty destructive safe havens. I smoke black and mild when I need to take a breath. I drink to sleep of any anxiety. I vape to relax and zone out. I cuss and yell when I am having a hard time expressing myself in a way that people will listen. To be honest, I just want a simple road. I have never had one and I do not anticipate gaining access to one in the future so, I have a therapist. We were iff to a weird start, missing calendar dates, I’ll coordinated times, forgetfulness. You name it but we got it together now.

So, here is to a new me to bring into the new year. A happy healthy more vibrant me that is as intentional as much as she is successful.

What a whirlwind of, well, everything. You know how you do research and you find yourself down a rabbit hole of thongs you didn’t know you didn’t know? Well, that’s been my life lately. 🙃

So much so that I had to put myself on a 30 days to discipline. I mean at this point I don’t know if I just don’t care or if I’m depressed. I am a very active depressed person. I learned this long ago when I didn’t know or even consider whether I was depressed. My husband told me. I am something like a control freak with o.c.d. not to mention my high anxiety. I am actually on a medication called zoloft for it although I don’t take it. 😬

In addition to homeschooling being all over the place and me not having any current clients, I have some family issues going on (outside of the RushBunch). Due to my anxiety I have always avoided conflict but somehow it always finds me. I just let everything ride because I do not have the mental capacity to handle it without vomiting or feeling light headed/passing out. I am a people pleaser because I value peace but whew. It’s a lot.

I have a cousin that recently went on a warpath bashing her dad on social media instead of talking to him. Not only was she wrong but the issues were ones she harbored from years ago. So what was the point. While I do blog and am very upfront about what I do and am going through, I would never do that. That leaves me to question, how do I handle it then? 😪

I start therapy in a couple days so hopefully I can iron it out without confronting anyone because I just can’t. I’d rather move out of the country. 😅

So, this 30 days to discipline thing I’m on, I’m a few days in but I also missed a few days. I am going to pick up where I left of but to keep myself more accountable I am going to start posting it in here. I must warn you, things get personal. It is an even more transparent view of my life as a wife, mom of 12, homeschooler, business owner, and student.

My hope is that I inspire you to do more and be more as I aim to do the same.

I always knew that I was made for more and as bad as I want it, I have to go get it. You coming with?

Blogging is not for the weak, forgetful, or busy person. Here lately I have been all three😬

I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t been doing much of anything outside if the business. I have had to keep my head down and get in the books because I am refocusing the business to a different caliber of business. This means I have had to brush up on some skills and network with a new kind of people. 😊

The children were sick for about two weeks because they were kind enough to pass it around one by one. Even the baby was ill and she took it the hardest. Everyone got better and I thought that per usual I would be next but it skipped right past me and out the door. Thank goodness for that. 🤗

My oldest….. well. I have to tell you about that later because I am not sure who reads my blogs and it’s supposed to be a secret from a few people. 🤫

I applied to Applebee’s so I can make some extra Christmas money. I don’t want it anymore. The fickle mind of an entrepreneur. We don’t want to get a job but will HOWEVER we hesitate because the same energy we pit in to someone else’s business we could be putting in ours. It’s such a tangled web we weave. 😑

I have had some up and down days. Most I should have blogged about but just couldn’t find enough time. Now I am working on a project that will both tell the stories and make me some moolah 🤑

The sad part is that I was doing so good at weekly blogs and if you know or have been following me then you know that’s kind of a big deal. So, here I am starting from square one. The plus side is, I have learned that Sundays are best for me to blog so there is little bit of consistency 🤣

🎶 woke up this morning, got up outta my bed…🎶

Who the frick did I just step on!! It’s 3:13 in the morning. Kera is rousing so I need to go to the bathroom before I am locked into a breastfeeding position for the next 30 minutes. Ava is laying across my legs and Maia is laying sideways between McRush and I as if this is her bed. 🙃 Oh! And on the floor by me is Sara who couldn’t sleep so asked to watch a movie on my phone until she could. She did.

I wiggle my way out of bed and mission impossibled my way to the bathroom only to have t step over Ian. As I wash my hands Ava comes “mom can I get in your bed?”. 🙄 I advise her to get in where she fits. This was a bad response. 👎

I go to turn off the girls lamp, this bigs closet light and the Littles light that they turn on every night despite the night light they have. As I return to bed, I realize, where Ava fits is in my spot 😭.

I wake McRush and we adjust some and carry the rest to their nighttime nestles. The few minutes I had before Kera wakes to feed are gone. I sit up to breastfeed and prop a pillow under my harm in case I doze of.

I have my nephew son back and he has accidents so I have a new habit to wake him. It’s 4:40 a.m. and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I stayed up until 1:30 creating some framework for a client so brain is still upset with me. I don’t get to sleep until after 6:10, the last time I looked at the clock because my anxiety had mequestioning if I should just stay up, I mean, it’s about to be light outside. I opt against it. Just a few more minutes mom, right.

As the sun shines in Kera rises for breakfast. I stay on my side, back to the edge of the bed. We both fall back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 8 a.m. and I swear I want to throw that thing so far across the world.

Days like this are very often and are indeed the reason I suffer from anxiety. Funny thing is I wouldn’t change it. I would probably get rid of the anxiety but, you know what I mean.

My day coasts by pretty much the same but one thing I have learned to do is pinpointy stressor and ask if there is anything I can do to avoid them. If not, how do I approach them? How do I prepare for them? This has helped me tremendously.

You know having a big family keeps me prepared to help my clients in all walks of life. And I am grateful for it.

I was too exhausted to blog last week although I did start, I fell asleep then life happened. In fact, I can’t be sure that I won’t doze off now.

I was doing so good too. Despite still waking ever couple of hours to feed Kera I actually woke up pretty early. I fixed the RushBunch breakfast and decided to start dinner. I made a big Sunday meal, breakfast and even cleaned my mess. I looked up and saw it was just after 4 and everything was finished. I was geeked. This meant we could get to bed early and be well rested for Monday. Well, it’s currently 3:06a and half of the house is still up. 🤦

You know who’s not up? Kera. So as soon as I get to bed she will probably wake up. You know. I can show every mother in the world how to manage their life but this night owl in me is defiant.

We all have that 1 thing. That’s mine. What’s yours?

I blogged earlier this week so..

If you don’t know by now, I don’t plan what I write in my blog I just start typing. I fund its best to be my rarest and most transparent self.

With that being said, I have a secret to tell you. Remember on my prior blog I told you money was tight? Well today my boys, 5, 6, and 8, had their game today. Football. My favorite sport EVER. I enrolled them in the teams because I love the sport but also to get them more socialization. Of course you all know that I have been homeschooling my crew since 2016. Having a house full is fun, exciting, and exhausting. They socialize alot with each other. Too much if you ask me. Always giggling and whispering. Sleepovers and sharing dreams. Bleh. Lol. I’m kidding but they are very close. We put them in extracurricular activities so they make their own friends. It’s working so far. Anyhow, football.

Today was Gabriel’s second game but it was Ian (5) and Cameron (6) first game. Earlier in the week I loaned someone some money, my last really. I was thinking with my heart instead of my brain. Eh. I don’t regret it. However, today, this loan prevented me from affording my family from seeing my boys play their games. I sent McRush instead because I think it’s important for young boys to remember that their dad was at their games. But I was livid. Like I’m the football junkie. It was my idea to sign them up for football and because so, it was me who has spent almost 2k on the sport and necessities needed for them. I tell you what though, it snapped me out of the rut I said I was in with my last blog. Whew Chile. It was like a fire was under my feet. I believe I got more done today than I have in the last two weeks. I can’t help but wonder though if I am selfish for feeling the way I am about missing their game. What do you think?

I haven’t blogged in the last two Sundays because I have been in a rut. I don’t really know why but my head just hasn’t been in the game. Due to this, work has piled up, my children are completely off schedule, and I think I may be depressed.

When I get like this everything shuts down, including my body. For those who don’t know, I suffer from nephrocalcinosis. It’s debilitating within my kidneys. It causes me to pee blood. I know, tmi. But I am dedicated to always being transparent and honest in a way that shows my weak points so that those that follow me know that I too am human.

We got my nephew back. Cps took him away from my brother and his wife again. Having him back is alot. Dealing with the ramifications of having someone else’s child, seized unwillingly can cause a strain on the entire family. Including mine. McRush doesn’t want to go through that again, understandably, but I cannot have him in a system that will only create another statistic.

Mentally I am going through alot, business is not great right now so money is tight. Like TIGHT. I am pretty optimistic that we will get through all of this, even my internal battles but I cannot help but wonder when.

My oldest just joined the Marines and he leaves next month. That’s pretty stressful although I am extremely proud of him. You can never gage the outcome of the world and where he will end up though. He’s my first born, my baby. I know you are reading this and thinking “you have to let hem grow up”, and I am it’s just a scary world out there and I just want to protect him from the things I can’t protect him from.

Life is kinda all over the place but I am hoping I can shift things back to a normal soon.

Pray my skremph. 😆

For a long time I wouldn’t invest in my business and did everything myself. I signed up for free newsletters and ebooks, webinars and classes just to sit and separate what I could use now, or later. What was a good idea, what was meant for me, and what could make me money NOW. The truth is, I lost so much more than money trying to “save” money. I was nickel and diming my dreams and couldn’t even get a handle on a clear vision because all of the free stuff I consumed had me off track.
I had to take a step back and realign myself with what I wanted and where I wanted to be THEN I could create a plan of action of how to get there. But, I still needed help. I still needed those “freebies”. Wrong. I needed to invest in systems and information that was specifically catered to my goals. That’s what consulting is. Helping you get your business on track and scale.
Throughout this confusing process of trying to consume any and everything I could get my hands on to build my brand. I lost my vision in the process. I couldn’t hear my own voice and I began to compare my progress, or lack thereof, to the people I was taking “free” advice from. I had to step back and gather my thoughts. I hired my own coach to keep me on track and motivated.
That’s what coaching is.
Many people know that I made zero dollars on my business until about 3 years after I started. Even then, the next two years I made less than $10,000 per year. It wasn’t until I invested in the systems and people I knew would take me where I was trying to go. Now making over 10x what I was I learned that there is no secret to success. Just the right work and it doesn’t have to be hard.

See I teach you what I know and what I have been through. I not only have the expertise and education but I have the experience. I teach because I have been there. I show up to be the person I needed when I was where you are.

I am a wife and homeschooling mom of 12 who has been through it all and yet, here I am. Making more than 10x what I was and enjoying every moment of it. If you’re following me on social media you’d probably think I didn’t do anything except snap pictures of my family. I mean, I do, but I also run a very successful brand. I say all that to say, invest in the help you know you need. It will pay off. Trust me.

This is a post that I shared years ago. It was at this moment I made the shift to be who I am while working on the goals I aimed to accomplish. I hope it sets a spark in you like it did for me.

Stop breaking everything.

Today, I set out to reconfigure something i created that was perfectly fine. It was already set up and the process was working very well. But I took this thing and mentally tore it apart to see if I could make it “better” (that’s what I told myself). And then it hit me. I self sabotage. I can take a well oiled machine and swear it needs water. But why? As I thought over some moments passed, I realized I have done this almost all my life. Its a horrible thing to do to myself. In fact, I have never ever sabotaged anyone else I know…. just myself.
It was in this mornings moment I realized, for whatever reason, I am sometimes afraid to be great. What if people think I am stuck up? What if people see me as if I think am better than them. Smh. What an epiphany.
#OutTheBox

Affirmation
There is nothing wrong with being great.


iRush

I have bad news for you guys.
You know that I’m an advocate for fuck these kids and live your best life because I believe that you deserve all the things you want the way you want them now but baby girl. That shit is not going to just fall in your lap. You’re going to have to work for it and imma tell you now, motherhood is a beast and it can and will be overwhelming buy just like you planned your babies birthday party, your beat friends bridal shower, and your wedding; you’re going have to have that same can-do energy when it comes to building a life of ease and comfort. I never promised it would be easy no matter how easy you think I make it look. Imma be upfront, as always, this shit is hard and some days you’re gonna want a vicodin or a blunt because the way the constant consistency of showing up gets twitchy… biiiiitch. This ain’t for the faint of heart. Some days you are going to feel like you are everything to everybody and others you’re gonna be like Lord what was I thinking. But the in between is much more present.
I’m telling you this because I want you to know that you are not alone and whether you have 1 child or 15 it’s not always easy. This is why I teach moms that they have a right to be selfish in their career, in their business, and even in their lives because raising children does not stop at 18 and the worry never goes away. I want to remind you of how strong and capable you are because you still show up. Just remember it’s okay to take a rest. Them kids ate yesterday. They’ll be alright. 藍 🤣

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