Invisible God

While 2022 has been quite the bumpy road…. no, dirt road with gravel and stones… I am proud of myself for getting through it. There were a few scares and some stumbles but overall, I didn’t die.

Just so you know, this isn’t about to be some quirky religious post, I just couldn’t think of a catchy title. It popped in my head and voila. That is the extent of my creativity.

I will say though that I have been feeling pretty invisible myself these past few months. I mean, I have pitched clients, emailed resumes, called businesses. Even my social media is declining. I really feel like I may be caught in the twilight zone. 🤔

I already know that I am invisible to my children. I have been gentle parenting but somehow the children missed the memo to reciprocate with gentle children-ing. In case you didn’t know I have 12 so it gets a little rough around here.

My decision to gentle parent had nothing to do with my upbringing but moreso my lack of assertion. Yup. I said it. I have always been so concerned about other people’s feelings, emotions, and outcomes of my actions and behavior that I really think it has made me a bad mom. Not because I gentle parent but because I hold on to gentle parenting as a clutch to my inability to put my foot down. I can think of a time or few when my children should have gotten a swift kick in the butt instead of a conversation about behavior because let’s face it, children know better. They may not understand the full capacity of the ramifications but they definitely know what’s right from what’s wrong.

Eh. Anyway, I’m on a tangent. Those who know me understand that I am as Black and white as they come, very simple, and a self proclaimed minimalist. I am still trying yo figure out how I have not exploded because McRush and the children are the complete opposite. It drives me insane. Like why are we keeping the boxes to everything? Why do we have 40 towels? Why do we have 15 bicycles? Why do we need 2 brooms and another new one that we have had for about 6 months. I will literally be on the brink of crying but I have to remember that it’s not just my world.

I have been limiting my time and reading more which, now that I think about it could be the reason for my decline aforementioned 🤔. Anyway. Reading really calms me and since I rarely get to do it with all of my daily tasks, I have been feeling a little unraveled.

Due to my self reflections and accountability I am realizing that I have some pretty destructive safe havens. I smoke black and mild when I need to take a breath. I drink to sleep of any anxiety. I vape to relax and zone out. I cuss and yell when I am having a hard time expressing myself in a way that people will listen. To be honest, I just want a simple road. I have never had one and I do not anticipate gaining access to one in the future so, I have a therapist. We were iff to a weird start, missing calendar dates, I’ll coordinated times, forgetfulness. You name it but we got it together now.

So, here is to a new me to bring into the new year. A happy healthy more vibrant me that is as intentional as much as she is successful.


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