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I recently had a conversation with a really good friend. Trying to walk her through some of her emotions and troubles. It felt good because I was helping someone. 😌

Little did I know. It was me. I was helping me. There is so much to unfold that will fully explain why I have been blogging less but in a nutshell, I am tired, drained, and need a nap… in the Galapagos.

I have been reading this book called Pussy and in just the first few pages it has been an extreme eye-opener. 😳 Between the conversation I had with my friend and this book, I feel like I frauded myself. I am always running around, committing, and pleasing meanwhile I have lost my entire self. I’m not necessarily upset about it because I evolve, always have. But it is nice to finally look yourself in the face and be honest. I’m not happy with over-committing. I’m not happy with the way I have been running my business, my family, and most importantly myself. I have been on autopilot for so long that I don’t know what direction I’m going, I’m just going.

But did you know that you can be going nowhere? It’s kind of like being busy but not productive. Whew. When you get in your face and get all the way honest everything shifts.

I am grateful that I value experience. I am not angry about how I have been moving. I am not regretful or remorseful either. The thing is, when I started being honest with myself and valuing my feelings, I realize I didn’t lose anything. I gained the knowledge of what I don’t want so now I can intentionally move toward what I do want.

I love these moments in my life because it’s not just a lesson and progression for me, but as a coach I can pass this knowledge on.

Isn’t life grand?

It’s amazing how we learn and teach throughout life and sometimes we’re the ones who end up lost.

I’m reevaluating my whole life lately, and in this process I find myself getting perturbed pretty easily. It’s annoying, honestly, so I know I’m on my family’s nerve. (Consider it payback) 🤣

I won’t say it’s regrets, because you know I don’t believe in that. However, I have taken more notice to what I give up or give in to. I know some say that it’s for the greater good but ain’t none of it good if I’m not. And I said what I said the way I said it. Iykyk. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I always tell people to stop putting me on a pedestal because they don’t know what I give to have a family like mine. There is so much compromise and not just with my body in order to give birth to 12 beautiful children but also my desires and goals. I mean, I never once in my life woke up and just decided to birth 12 children. He’ll, my birth control methods outweigh my decision, they just failed. I pray McRush’s vasectomy lasts forever. So far, so good.

This week has been bumpy. I had a heart to heart with my mentor, and she made me realize that what I am good at isn’t necessarily conducive to what I’m good for. This was simply confirmation of what I have been playing with in my head. It sucks but, the truth usually does.

I have been trying to be more present on tiktok. Leverage my presence on LinkedIn as well as immerse into this new language I am aiming to learn. Atop of everything else, I have been pretty busy, and my body feels it. I have been on a better health journey, but I was just told by my doctor to stick to light cardio (which I hate) because I need to have hernia removal surgery. I just hope I can persuade him to take a little extra fat out for good measure. 😁

My goal this week is to declutter the house a bit. We have a couple of doctor appointments as well, but outside of that and homeschooling, it’s going to be a pretty easy week.

Not really.

Everybody likes to be right sometimes. Except, I’m right all the time, and this isn’t even an ego stroke. It’s a fact.

My mom taught me to speak the truth, and while I was not always an honest teen-who is really – but I have come to enjoy and even expect the truth at all costs. So much so that I distance myself from people who lie. Even ‘little white’ ones. I see no logic in misleading someone or even withholding the truth. Yeah, people from my past life would say I have come a long way.

I have learned to speak what I know and not from conjecture or objectively. The truth is what it is, and it can never be anything less. Or more. And it doesn’t need my help. I am often quiet for this very reason, but when I speak, I speak only what I know to be a fact. Sure, I may offer my opinion, but it’s usually based on statistical fact unless spoken from a place of experience and emotion, which I also try not to do.

Another truth, I listen. I’ve learned to listen to what you say and what you don’t say. I listen to your tone and your body language. I listen to your silence, and I act or speak accordingly.

This has created a problem within myself because I am also very empathetic. Not to be confused with sympathetic because that serves neither of us. But I try to apply what I learn and know about a person, couple this with how we interact with one another, and I conclude a theory of how we should interact. With this, I always give 100%. The problem is, most people don’t know how to give 100% to another person. This creates an imbalanced relationship that ultimately ends abruptly. This is also why I tend to keep to myself. I mean, I want friends but do I really?

As a mom of 12, it can become cumbersome to split my time, especially doing things outside of my desires. Add to that being a wife and business owner, friendships can become burdensome. This alone equates to another problem, dependency. I would need to depend on my husband and children to fulfill the desire of being wanted and appreciated, and let’s face it, that’s not always going to be the case.

This is not to say my husband is not great and my children aren’t loving because they are. It’s just that my life begins to revolve around them.

I have found, recently, that I have no desire to care fully for myself. I mean, I bathe. 🙄 But the longing that I once had to wake up and be my best has turned into waking up and doing my best, and they are not the same.

My oldest asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him nothing. He looked at me perplexed, to which I responded, “I want to get my nails done, and my hair done.” I want my eyebrows arched and some new heels. That requires maintenance, and I just don’t have it in me to commit to it. Saying that made me feel sad inside, but it was so true. I am just robotically moving, doing what needs to be done.

I am overwhelmed. The worst part is that I know what I need to do to fix it but have no ambition in doing so. 😕 It’s a very odd feeling. Something I am not quite used to. It’s not necessarily a problem, now, but I foresee that it will be.

It’s amazing how truthful we can be to others but won’t accept the truth about ourselves. My problem is, I don’t know what that truth is. 🙃

Maia.

There are so many options to make money out here. I was applying to jobs fir the holiday season but the biggest obstacle I encountered is I own my own company so getting a position in the same line of work is damn near impossible. I suppose it’s because people feel like I am going to take their trade secrets or clients. The only thing I was trying to do was make a few extra dollars. Alot of jobs say I am over qualified. I always hated that statement but being a business owner I get it. If I hire someone and not maximizing their full capability (because I’m not paying them enough) it more than likely will not work out. This is when most people get bored and start looking for work elsewhere especially if they are unable to get a bump in.pay from you.

I hate shopping so while the Amazon position I seen was quite appealing I knew I would not stick with it for more than a week. Ian, I am a mom of 12 who homeschools and I am also a wife so shopping never even makes my list of things to do. Either McRush does it or I shop online.

I also considered starting a side hustle but I would want it to be fully legit. That is, afterall what I teach. With that being said I would need to invest in it first which means I am doing the opposite of what I set out to do…. make money.

I considered a yard sale for all of the unwanted and unused things we have but that takes more work than I am willing to put in. 🙃

The Way I see it, my only option is OnlyFans. People are making hundreds of thousands of dollars with it. I mean they are probably doing some things I am not willing to do so my rate goes down exponentially. The problem is I cannot think of anything I can do on onlyfans that is not disrespectful to my husband. There’s the whole foot thing but that means I would have to keep up on weekly pedicures and I don’t like them. 😞

I am such a fickle person. Particular and fickle.

I guess at this rate my family is my onlyfans and they don’t pay enough. 😂

While 2022 has been quite the bumpy road…. no, dirt road with gravel and stones… I am proud of myself for getting through it. There were a few scares and some stumbles but overall, I didn’t die.

Just so you know, this isn’t about to be some quirky religious post, I just couldn’t think of a catchy title. It popped in my head and voila. That is the extent of my creativity.

I will say though that I have been feeling pretty invisible myself these past few months. I mean, I have pitched clients, emailed resumes, called businesses. Even my social media is declining. I really feel like I may be caught in the twilight zone. 🤔

I already know that I am invisible to my children. I have been gentle parenting but somehow the children missed the memo to reciprocate with gentle children-ing. In case you didn’t know I have 12 so it gets a little rough around here.

My decision to gentle parent had nothing to do with my upbringing but moreso my lack of assertion. Yup. I said it. I have always been so concerned about other people’s feelings, emotions, and outcomes of my actions and behavior that I really think it has made me a bad mom. Not because I gentle parent but because I hold on to gentle parenting as a clutch to my inability to put my foot down. I can think of a time or few when my children should have gotten a swift kick in the butt instead of a conversation about behavior because let’s face it, children know better. They may not understand the full capacity of the ramifications but they definitely know what’s right from what’s wrong.

Eh. Anyway, I’m on a tangent. Those who know me understand that I am as Black and white as they come, very simple, and a self proclaimed minimalist. I am still trying yo figure out how I have not exploded because McRush and the children are the complete opposite. It drives me insane. Like why are we keeping the boxes to everything? Why do we have 40 towels? Why do we have 15 bicycles? Why do we need 2 brooms and another new one that we have had for about 6 months. I will literally be on the brink of crying but I have to remember that it’s not just my world.

I have been limiting my social.media time and reading more which, now that I think about it could be the reason for my decline aforementioned 🤔. Anyway. Reading really calms me and since I rarely get to do it with all of my daily tasks, I have been feeling a little unraveled.

Due to my self reflections and accountability I am realizing that I have some pretty destructive safe havens. I smoke black and mild when I need to take a breath. I drink to sleep of any anxiety. I vape to relax and zone out. I cuss and yell when I am having a hard time expressing myself in a way that people will listen. To be honest, I just want a simple road. I have never had one and I do not anticipate gaining access to one in the future so, I have a therapist. We were iff to a weird start, missing calendar dates, I’ll coordinated times, forgetfulness. You name it but we got it together now.

So, here is to a new me to bring into the new year. A happy healthy more vibrant me that is as intentional as much as she is successful.

What a whirlwind of, well, everything. You know how you do research and you find yourself down a rabbit hole of thongs you didn’t know you didn’t know? Well, that’s been my life lately. 🙃

So much so that I had to put myself on a 30 days to discipline. I mean at this point I don’t know if I just don’t care or if I’m depressed. I am a very active depressed person. I learned this long ago when I didn’t know or even consider whether I was depressed. My husband told me. I am something like a control freak with o.c.d. not to mention my high anxiety. I am actually on a medication called zoloft for it although I don’t take it. 😬

In addition to homeschooling being all over the place and me not having any current clients, I have some family issues going on (outside of the RushBunch). Due to my anxiety I have always avoided conflict but somehow it always finds me. I just let everything ride because I do not have the mental capacity to handle it without vomiting or feeling light headed/passing out. I am a people pleaser because I value peace but whew. It’s a lot.

I have a cousin that recently went on a warpath bashing her dad on social media instead of talking to him. Not only was she wrong but the issues were ones she harbored from years ago. So what was the point. While I do blog and am very upfront about what I do and am going through, I would never do that. That leaves me to question, how do I handle it then? 😪

I start therapy in a couple days so hopefully I can iron it out without confronting anyone because I just can’t. I’d rather move out of the country. 😅

So, this 30 days to discipline thing I’m on, I’m a few days in but I also missed a few days. I am going to pick up where I left of but to keep myself more accountable I am going to start posting it in here. I must warn you, things get personal. It is an even more transparent view of my life as a wife, mom of 12, homeschooler, business owner, and student.

My hope is that I inspire you to do more and be more as I aim to do the same.

I always knew that I was made for more and as bad as I want it, I have to go get it. You coming with?

Blogging is not for the weak, forgetful, or busy person. Here lately I have been all three😬

I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t been doing much of anything outside if the business. I have had to keep my head down and get in the books because I am refocusing the business to a different caliber of business. This means I have had to brush up on some skills and network with a new kind of people. 😊

The children were sick for about two weeks because they were kind enough to pass it around one by one. Even the baby was ill and she took it the hardest. Everyone got better and I thought that per usual I would be next but it skipped right past me and out the door. Thank goodness for that. 🤗

My oldest….. well. I have to tell you about that later because I am not sure who reads my blogs and it’s supposed to be a secret from a few people. 🤫

I applied to Applebee’s so I can make some extra Christmas money. I don’t want it anymore. The fickle mind of an entrepreneur. We don’t want to get a job but will HOWEVER we hesitate because the same energy we pit in to someone else’s business we could be putting in ours. It’s such a tangled web we weave. 😑

I have had some up and down days. Most I should have blogged about but just couldn’t find enough time. Now I am working on a project that will both tell the stories and make me some moolah 🤑

The sad part is that I was doing so good at weekly blogs and if you know or have been following me then you know that’s kind of a big deal. So, here I am starting from square one. The plus side is, I have learned that Sundays are best for me to blog so there is little bit of consistency 🤣

🎶 woke up this morning, got up outta my bed…🎶

Who the frick did I just step on!! It’s 3:13 in the morning. Kera is rousing so I need to go to the bathroom before I am locked into a breastfeeding position for the next 30 minutes. Ava is laying across my legs and Maia is laying sideways between McRush and I as if this is her bed. 🙃 Oh! And on the floor by me is Sara who couldn’t sleep so asked to watch a movie on my phone until she could. She did.

I wiggle my way out of bed and mission impossibled my way to the bathroom only to have t step over Ian. As I wash my hands Ava comes “mom can I get in your bed?”. 🙄 I advise her to get in where she fits. This was a bad response. 👎

I go to turn off the girls lamp, this bigs closet light and the Littles light that they turn on every night despite the night light they have. As I return to bed, I realize, where Ava fits is in my spot 😭.

I wake McRush and we adjust some and carry the rest to their nighttime nestles. The few minutes I had before Kera wakes to feed are gone. I sit up to breastfeed and prop a pillow under my harm in case I doze of.

I have my nephew son back and he has accidents so I have a new habit to wake him. It’s 4:40 a.m. and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I stayed up until 1:30 creating some framework for a client so brain is still upset with me. I don’t get to sleep until after 6:10, the last time I looked at the clock because my anxiety had mequestioning if I should just stay up, I mean, it’s about to be light outside. I opt against it. Just a few more minutes mom, right.

As the sun shines in Kera rises for breakfast. I stay on my side, back to the edge of the bed. We both fall back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 8 a.m. and I swear I want to throw that thing so far across the world.

Days like this are very often and are indeed the reason I suffer from anxiety. Funny thing is I wouldn’t change it. I would probably get rid of the anxiety but, you know what I mean.

My day coasts by pretty much the same but one thing I have learned to do is pinpointy stressor and ask if there is anything I can do to avoid them. If not, how do I approach them? How do I prepare for them? This has helped me tremendously.

You know having a big family keeps me prepared to help my clients in all walks of life. And I am grateful for it.

I was too exhausted to blog last week although I did start, I fell asleep then life happened. In fact, I can’t be sure that I won’t doze off now.

I was doing so good too. Despite still waking ever couple of hours to feed Kera I actually woke up pretty early. I fixed the RushBunch breakfast and decided to start dinner. I made a big Sunday meal, breakfast and even cleaned my mess. I looked up and saw it was just after 4 and everything was finished. I was geeked. This meant we could get to bed early and be well rested for Monday. Well, it’s currently 3:06a and half of the house is still up. 🤦

You know who’s not up? Kera. So as soon as I get to bed she will probably wake up. You know. I can show every mother in the world how to manage their life but this night owl in me is defiant.

We all have that 1 thing. That’s mine. What’s yours?

I blogged earlier this week so..

If you don’t know by now, I don’t plan what I write in my blog I just start typing. I fund its best to be my rarest and most transparent self.

With that being said, I have a secret to tell you. Remember on my prior blog I told you money was tight? Well today my boys, 5, 6, and 8, had their game today. Football. My favorite sport EVER. I enrolled them in the teams because I love the sport but also to get them more socialization. Of course you all know that I have been homeschooling my crew since 2016. Having a house full is fun, exciting, and exhausting. They socialize alot with each other. Too much if you ask me. Always giggling and whispering. Sleepovers and sharing dreams. Bleh. Lol. I’m kidding but they are very close. We put them in extracurricular activities so they make their own friends. It’s working so far. Anyhow, football.

Today was Gabriel’s second game but it was Ian (5) and Cameron (6) first game. Earlier in the week I loaned someone some money, my last really. I was thinking with my heart instead of my brain. Eh. I don’t regret it. However, today, this loan prevented me from affording my family from seeing my boys play their games. I sent McRush instead because I think it’s important for young boys to remember that their dad was at their games. But I was livid. Like I’m the football junkie. It was my idea to sign them up for football and because so, it was me who has spent almost 2k on the sport and necessities needed for them. I tell you what though, it snapped me out of the rut I said I was in with my last blog. Whew Chile. It was like a fire was under my feet. I believe I got more done today than I have in the last two weeks. I can’t help but wonder though if I am selfish for feeling the way I am about missing their game. What do you think?