Author: JustAskMaia

Every girl wants to get married but none of us want to meet compromise. None of us want to be made to feel like we can no longer rest upon our own decisions. What do you do when you are in love and want to do the right thing, you get married.
Everything about marriage, a happy marriage, is compromise. I hear my husband say all the time, as well as other married men, that we, women, just don’t know how hard it is to please us. And they are absolutely correct. With our mood swings and indecisiveness coupled with our ever changing minds; lets just say I am glad I am the woman when it comes to that department. We inadvertently and unintentionally drive our husbands to an insanity plea in marriage. We want them strong to carry us but fragile to feel our pains. We want them to be friendly but not to everyone. We want them to take care of us but we want to take care of them. Buy us nice things but they cannot spend too much money and that gift better not be a cheap one! Clean up but dont move any of our things yet wonder why its still cluttered. Keep an eye on the children but not like that… oh we get it and unfortunately most of the time we cannot help ourselves.  Half the time we are just as fickled as you are, we like to contribute all of this to Eve by the way. I can assure you most of us are working on it though. I want to let you guys in on a little secret, marriage isn’t all peaches and cream for us either. The compromises we have to make suck too! At least in a traditional marriage like mine. I am a stay at home mother with nine children. What I wouldn’t do to be able to go back to work though, just so, if nothing less I can be a contributor to the household. Having some extra money in my pocket wouldnt hurt either. Time away from home would be nice too. In a time when independent living is at an all time high its pretty difficult to be a stay at home parent.
I didn’t have to answer to anyone about my where abouts or who abouts. I could stay up late or go to bed early. Clean my kitchen or not clean my kitchen. I could blow my whole check on shoes or blow it on stocks. I could wash clothes everyday or once a month. All of my decisions were mine to make. I didn’t have to see if what I chose to do was okay with another person I could just do it, or not do it. Then love came in and swooped me like a tornado and here I am. Excited to be married and amazed of what love has brought forth from my loins. I am happy to be needed and loved in a way I have always wanted to be. There is nothing that compares to being married with children.
Oftentimes I find myself looking for a stiff drink or a cigarette, though I no longer do either anymore you know, since marriage. I would love to go out and dance my cares away until the club closes but I’m married now. I would love to spend my entire royalty check (or some of us, paycheck) on a new wardrobe or that livingoom set but I have to check with my husband first. I would like to invite all of my loud friends over and play spades while blasting explicit music until four in the morning but the children have school tomorrow. I love that dress, it shows just the right amount of cleavage to make me feel attractive to the opposite sex but that would be disrespectful to my husband.
The point that I am making here is yes, husbands, we know you have it hard with our unpredictable ways but we took your last name and released the person we once were to be your perfect wife and though it was a sacrifice, it was a sacrifice we were willing to make. With that comes the responsibility to make us happy in the areas where we would normally have done it ourselves but you probably wouldn’t approve. So the next time you think you have it hard, think of your significant other and what they too must have given up. Marriage is about compromise and finding a happy medium. Saying I do means saying I don’t to alot of other things you used to do. Remembering that you both gave up something or someTHINGS for the other is important when you find yourself in a moment of frustration in having to see eye to eye on a matter.
-Rush

As much as I would love to sit here and tell you that I have it all together, that I want for nothing and my life is a bucket of happiness and sunshine I cannot. Truth is, I have my moments. Tonight I am having one of those moments.

Do you ever feel like everything you do is all done in vain. I mean everything? I sometimes feel like no one would even know where there feet are if it weren’t for me. It feels like everyone depends on me and it is so frustrating. I want to take a break and not do anything but I have the biggest fear that if I decide to do nothing everything will fail. I cannot stand being needed to this extent yet if I do not feel needed then what? My life from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep is surrounded by mommy can i. if I am not cleaning I am cooking. If I am not cooking I am giving a bath or changing a diaper or washing clothes. I have absolutely no idea what down time feels like. In fact, my husband will often try to convince me to go get my nails done or my hair done or even take myself on a mini shopping spree. I cannot make myself take the thoughts of what is going on out of my mind, who can relax when they are worried? I find it hard to believe that my family could possibly survive without me. Is that cocky? I really wish I could though. I see woman all the time talk about how they go out with their girlfriends on occasion and how they have a great time but I fear that I will only be thinking about what is going on.

Tonight I as trying to eat, simply to where it would not matter if I was interrupted I could come back to my meal without having to heat it back up since this is what happens all the time. I grabbed some oatmeal and a bran muffin. Yes, for dinner. Do you know what happened about three spoonfuls of oatmeal in? Cameron kept crying and would only be consoled by holding him in my arms and Gabriel whom was supposed to be in the bed with the rest of the Rush Bunch but he never complies, like any two year old. Finally reaching my point of frustration I completely lost my appetite. I put my untouched muffin in the bowl on top of my barely touched oatmeal and do all that I can to hold back my tears of frustration.

So here I am once again spilling all of my heart to you, my loyal readers. I just hope to encourage someone that whether you have one child or twelve, all days will not work out the way you foresee it.   Don’t ever think that it is just you who has hard times as a wife and a mother because my family loves me to pieces and they make me smile, a lot. But sometimes we all need a moment to ourselves because if we don’t, you will find yourself pulling out your hair. I thank God that I have found blogging as an outlet because if I didn’t who knows where I would be. As I type my husband is leaning over the bedside bassinet patting Cameron and he has placed a fort on our floor for Gabriel to lay down and go to sleep. I thank God for him because I would probably be crazy right now without him. He thinks I do not know all he does for me but I see him and I appreciate him for it all.

If I could just focus some energy on myself without feeling this overwhelming guilt that I am being selfish or thinking any money I spend on myself could be better used on one of the children or something to do with the home I would be doing myself a world of justice. If you have any ideas I am more than open to them. You can email me at JustAskMaia@yahoo.com or even message me here. Who knows, if you are in the Charleston area maybe we could even hang out, make it a mommy date.

The funny thing about it is when I start my day tomorrow I will have forgotten all about my troubles and worries of today. I cannot be mad at my family, I spoil them. I cannot be mad at myself because I do love to spoil them. In their defense they do attempt to spoil me back, I am just a hard one to please I suppose. I am not a very touchy person. I almost abhor any form of affection as I was not raised with it much. My father was not a prominent part of my growing up so I really attribute my lack of affection to this but I do accept an occasional hug here and there. I reward with words of encouragement rather than hugs but that is something I am working on because I do not want my children, most importantly my girls, turning out the way I am when it comes to love and affection. My children nor my husband doubt that I love them with all of my heart I just wish I could show it a little more. But, like I said, I am strongly and adamantly working on this.

Well, I have reached a calm down point so I thank you for reading and I hope you will continue to follow us on our journey to awesomeness.

-Rush

I have been overweight for a very long time. I was extremely thin up until about fifteen years old, I don’t really know what happened, hormones I suppose. But from there I never really thought much of myself. I tried to make friends which wasn’t that hard for me because I was always the smiling bubbly girl from next door. The popular girls usually gravitated toward me but I think it was more out of sympathy for the pretty fat girl that made everyone smile. That was fine with me for awhile until I found out that it was because I was never much of an asset just a charity.
As I grew older I would yo yo diet but my weight would always come back. Then I started having children and being lazy. I ballooned up to 282 pounds. My husband would just tell me I am beautiful anyhow which subconsciously made me even more lazy because even though I would try to lose weight ultimately I would fail because I felt like as long as he loved me the way I am thats all that mattered right? But who was I kidding? I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt even more. I would quickly turn from any full length mirror I thought was coming my way. I would layer up and cover any part of my body that showed. I lost interest in shopping or even taking the time to make myself look anything more than presentable. I have sideburn hairs and chin hair that I would let go their own way because I really just stopped caing about how I looked. I was absolutely miserable in my own skin. If the truth be told, I still am. I have lost a substantial amount of weight so those days of 282 pounds are long gone but I am not where I want to be, I have a good ways to go. I am proud to say that I am losing the weight naturally and correctly. The road is definately tough but I finally have reached the point that I realized I have to lose weight for myself. I want to look in the mirror and love the me that I say. This is a hard journey and I am doing all I can to stay committed to it. With children in the house there is always something sweet to snack on not to mention I have a husband who has multiple sweet teeth. Tonight Thomas bought the children a treat, a peach soda. We do not allow them to drink soda regularly. I eyed that peach soda sitting on the counter freshly chilled from the freezer like I was a lion and it was my prey but I behaved. I remembered that there was a pack of peach herbal tea in the cabinet so I boiled some water and am sipping on my tea while reading and reminding myself that lack of self control is in no way shape or form helping me to become and remain that Proverbs 31 kind of woman.

-Rush

The bible states that we must be virtuous and knowledge is the most important application in being virtuous. Now, I am not one to go against the word of God but there are levels to virtue. And while having knowledge is top of the list when having a close and intimate relationship with God I am here to tell you that when it come to neing a virtuous mother and wife, honey patience is what you need. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of this. I take ao many deep breaths in a day I am surprise I don’t hyperventilate.  Whoosa! The biggest thing when being a wife is knowing that is not always important to have the last word and saying less is more. Thats my constant hurdle. I have always been one to have to have the last word. And as vain or cocky as this may sound, I am rarely wrong but thats only because I speak what I know or firmly believe not just guessing without having any knowledge of the subject. But my husband is not much different than many other husbands, they have to be correct. No real reason just something in that testosterone that says you must be right at all times or else. You can’t really fault him for it though, I believe all men are born with a caveman mentality.  Lol.
As far as being a mother, patience is extremely detrimental to your happiness and well being. There is this ultra fine line of discipline and allowing your child to express themselves and THAT takes patience…and knowledge. We have to remind ourselves that they are adults in training. However we cannot overlook the fact that these young adults need discipline and structure while expressing themselves. Also remember that they will mock what they see as well.
Tonight we were driving home and I was working on a project unintentionally. ……okay maybe it was a little intentional. .. alright…..
Tonight we were driving home and I was working on a project while ignoring the children calling my name. It was driving me absolutely crazy by the way but what I was working on I could not allow a break in the flow or all would be lost. A few minutes later Ty called Bella. He called her about nine times. I turned around (taking that break I didn’t want to take) and asked Bella if she heard her brother calling her, she said yes. I asked her why and she had no answer. I know that she was only doing it because I just did it to her. I could be mad and tell her like my mother told me, “do as I say not as I do” but that’s just stupid because children emulate us that’s how they grow and learn but that takes patience. Without patience you are unable to know when to act (teach) or react (discipline).
I by no means know it all but I hope you will continue to follow me and my family as I continue to strive to be a virtuous woman of God and for my family.
-Rush

Today I decided that I was going to do absolutely nothing. I didn’t want to cook or clean. Don’t call me if you were crying and hurt. No I do not know where your iPad is or your shoes are and no I have not seen your other shoe. I want to close my eyes and sleep the day away. I mean after all, I deserve it, right? Yeah, that’s what I told myself at 5:30 this morning as I walked into the kitchen half naked mostly sleep to make a bottle for Cameron. I switched on the kitchen light and opened one eye surely looking half lost as I stumbled over the small girl’s trash can that was left in the kitchen yet again.  I held one hand under the tap awaiting the hot water while opening the can of formula with my other as I held the baby bottle under my neck like a pro. Or like the children say now, Like a BOSS. Yeah, I think I like that better.

As I go back to my bedroom I have lost my place in my little world I call bed. Over there on the left side we have daddy taking up the entire western hemisphere of our newly upgraded king size bed. And here in the southern region we have Sara sleeping like hurricane Hugo. In the Midwest there is Ty, sleeping straight as an arrow but not quite enough for me to slide in there and of course there is ole trusty sure-to-climb-in-my-bed every night Gabriel taking up all of the east coast with his tiny, cute, yet chunky butt. I smile on the outside (okay, a little on the inside too) and kiss my lazy day plan goodbye.

I set my goals a little lower. The couch. But alas, there is no room on the couch for me, just Sir Laundry I never put away. I need a secret room or something, sheesh!

I go into the girls room and start prepping school clothes for the day; yes I am aware that I should have done this last night but, well, I don’t really have an excuse. I wake Bella to get her beauty on in the bathroom while I finish getting her gear together. After Bella, its Armani whom I like to call Laila but that’s a story for another time. They are followed by three more people and a nice ride to school. Thomas usually does this and if I am lucky the babies are asleep and I can climb back in the bed for a quick twenty. HA! No such luck. I pout like a stubborn two year old all the way to the kitchen to start breakfast. Yaaaay breakfast, you should see the enthusiasm oozing from my soul.  I fix Gabriel and Sara a bowl of cereal and put Charles in his high chair with some dry cheerios and go cook some pancakes. No lie, I have an attitude the whole time but by the time I serve the littles, I see their faces and would do it all over again, with the same hesitation of course.

I leave the dining room while they are pre occupied to take a fast shower. I poke my head around the corner for a quick check on them and jump in. three minutes and I’m out poking my head around the corner again to see that they have written on the walls, thrown food all over the dining rom and are standing in the center of the table laughing. I slump down and smile while shaking my head. After removing them from the table I remove my towel covered self to put on some sweats and get the day started. Yup, my day hasn’t even started.

Filled with a world of laundry, cleaning, lunch, diaper changing, cleaning, cleaning, and a little more cleaning I am elated when two o’clock rolls around because its naptime for the littles. The bigs start to roll in around two forty six. At three I switch from mommy mode to mom mode. Its homework, project, and study time followed by dinner, bath, and bedtime. When its all said and done I am climbing into my world at 2:00 a.m.

 

-Rush

 

I welcome gifts of Calgon.

Today I have decided to take charge of the direction in my life. I thought I had already done that but I was only fooling myself. Looking back at all the things I have set out to do there was no true purpose, no goal, no passion. An idea would pop into my head and I would run with it. I have approximately 17 websites I have purchased, dozens of cards I have ordered, and countless social media pages I have sat for hours setting up. None of which I use, half of them I do not remember. There was no true direction I had no true desire to diligently work any of the ventures I’d embarked on. I am 36 years old still toying with life. I should be much further than I am right now. Of course, I have no problems where I am right now, a wife, mother, entrepreneur; as we have already clearly established. But I want more. I know, who doesn’t want more? I don’t mean more money, not that I would turn it down, I mean more purpose. I want more reason to say I am who I am. Although you can google me, I think that’s cool. But really, no one wants to live without a purpose. How does one find their meaning to life? What do I have to  do to know my calling? Of all my ideas and endeavors which one is meant for me?

I used to want to be a juvenile defense lawyer working predominately pro bono cases. I thought that was where my heart lied. When I was 15 I was sent to a detention center for stealing. I was appointed some fresh out of college guy who never asked me if I was guilty (which I was but that’s not the point). I met with him once and he didn’t even ask me my name. he walked up to the table I was sitting at along with other first time children. I was a nervous wreck, I could’ve peed on myself right there. My palms were sweating and I could feel my heart beating through my throat. He stood over me and said ”you are going to plea guilty and they will give you one year”. My eyes widened as tears inadvertently streamed down my cheeks. I felt sick to my stomach. He asked if I understood. I said no. ”with all the evidence they have against you, you could be looking at 15 years, its best this way, trust me.” I said okay knowing there was no evidence because there was no evidence (story for another day). I was just a frightened little girl who hung with the wrong crowd on the wrong day. I went back to the hall where 25 other young ladies stayed awaiting their fate and I cried. One of the guards came over to check on me. I told her what the man said and she explained to me that they all come in and say that, it makes their case load lighter and frees up some of their time. I remember being outraged. How could you have me throw my life away like that? From that day until the very moment I am writing this I have read and continue to read hundreds of law books, studying case law for fun. I vowed to sincerely help the children who are victimized by the system by making them plea out; even innocent ones I found out. I believed from that day it was my calling, my destiny to help children fight for their freedom.

I went to school for paralegal studies, I figured I would take that route because so many others who aspired to be a lawyer were majoring in English, I hated English, as some of my writing skills may reflect but I am working on it. But as I furthered on in school life happened and I dropped out vowing to return. I took on three jobs and became a single mother. Returning didn’t happen for ten years. I returned and hit a stumbling block, the school I had attended in preparation to transfer to a university, no one accepted the credits. Feeling defeated I quit. I tried at it again online but that was unrealistic for me.

I found myself working to support my family trying my hand at many things but finding myself bored no matter how prosperous my ventures had become. Now I am a housewife raising nine children and a husband still trying to find my purpose in this crazy world.

Fasten your seatbelts, the road may get bumpy.

-Rush