As much as I would love to sit here and tell you that I have it all together, that I want for nothing and my life is a bucket of happiness and sunshine I cannot. Truth is, I have my moments. Tonight I am having one of those moments.
Do you ever feel like everything you do is all done in vain. I mean everything? I sometimes feel like no one would even know where there feet are if it weren’t for me. It feels like everyone depends on me and it is so frustrating. I want to take a break and not do anything but I have the biggest fear that if I decide to do nothing everything will fail. I cannot stand being needed to this extent yet if I do not feel needed then what? My life from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep is surrounded by mommy can i. if I am not cleaning I am cooking. If I am not cooking I am giving a bath or changing a diaper or washing clothes. I have absolutely no idea what down time feels like. In fact, my husband will often try to convince me to go get my nails done or my hair done or even take myself on a mini shopping spree. I cannot make myself take the thoughts of what is going on out of my mind, who can relax when they are worried? I find it hard to believe that my family could possibly survive without me. Is that cocky? I really wish I could though. I see woman all the time talk about how they go out with their girlfriends on occasion and how they have a great time but I fear that I will only be thinking about what is going on.
Tonight I as trying to eat, simply to where it would not matter if I was interrupted I could come back to my meal without having to heat it back up since this is what happens all the time. I grabbed some oatmeal and a bran muffin. Yes, for dinner. Do you know what happened about three spoonfuls of oatmeal in? Cameron kept crying and would only be consoled by holding him in my arms and Gabriel whom was supposed to be in the bed with the rest of the Rush Bunch but he never complies, like any two year old. Finally reaching my point of frustration I completely lost my appetite. I put my untouched muffin in the bowl on top of my barely touched oatmeal and do all that I can to hold back my tears of frustration.
So here I am once again spilling all of my heart to you, my loyal readers. I just hope to encourage someone that whether you have one child or twelve, all days will not work out the way you foresee it. Don’t ever think that it is just you who has hard times as a wife and a mother because my family loves me to pieces and they make me smile, a lot. But sometimes we all need a moment to ourselves because if we don’t, you will find yourself pulling out your hair. I thank God that I have found blogging as an outlet because if I didn’t who knows where I would be. As I type my husband is leaning over the bedside bassinet patting Cameron and he has placed a fort on our floor for Gabriel to lay down and go to sleep. I thank God for him because I would probably be crazy right now without him. He thinks I do not know all he does for me but I see him and I appreciate him for it all.
If I could just focus some energy on myself without feeling this overwhelming guilt that I am being selfish or thinking any money I spend on myself could be better used on one of the children or something to do with the home I would be doing myself a world of justice. If you have any ideas I am more than open to them. You can email me at JustAskMaia@yahoo.com or even message me here. Who knows, if you are in the Charleston area maybe we could even hang out, make it a mommy date.
The funny thing about it is when I start my day tomorrow I will have forgotten all about my troubles and worries of today. I cannot be mad at my family, I spoil them. I cannot be mad at myself because I do love to spoil them. In their defense they do attempt to spoil me back, I am just a hard one to please I suppose. I am not a very touchy person. I almost abhor any form of affection as I was not raised with it much. My father was not a prominent part of my growing up so I really attribute my lack of affection to this but I do accept an occasional hug here and there. I reward with words of encouragement rather than hugs but that is something I am working on because I do not want my children, most importantly my girls, turning out the way I am when it comes to love and affection. My children nor my husband doubt that I love them with all of my heart I just wish I could show it a little more. But, like I said, I am strongly and adamantly working on this.
Well, I have reached a calm down point so I thank you for reading and I hope you will continue to follow us on our journey to awesomeness.
-Rush
JustAskMaia 