Today I have decided to take charge of the direction in my life. I thought I had already done that but I was only fooling myself. Looking back at all the things I have set out to do there was no true purpose, no goal, no passion. An idea would pop into my head and I would run with it. I have approximately 17 websites I have purchased, dozens of cards I have ordered, and countless social media pages I have sat for hours setting up. None of which I use, half of them I do not remember. There was no true direction I had no true desire to diligently work any of the ventures I’d embarked on. I am 36 years old still toying with life. I should be much further than I am right now. Of course, I have no problems where I am right now, a wife, mother, entrepreneur; as we have already clearly established. But I want more. I know, who doesn’t want more? I don’t mean more money, not that I would turn it down, I mean more purpose. I want more reason to say I am who I am. Although you can google me, I think that’s cool. But really, no one wants to live without a purpose. How does one find their meaning to life? What do I have to do to know my calling? Of all my ideas and endeavors which one is meant for me?
I used to want to be a juvenile defense lawyer working predominately pro bono cases. I thought that was where my heart lied. When I was 15 I was sent to a detention center for stealing. I was appointed some fresh out of college guy who never asked me if I was guilty (which I was but that’s not the point). I met with him once and he didn’t even ask me my name. he walked up to the table I was sitting at along with other first time children. I was a nervous wreck, I could’ve peed on myself right there. My palms were sweating and I could feel my heart beating through my throat. He stood over me and said ”you are going to plea guilty and they will give you one year”. My eyes widened as tears inadvertently streamed down my cheeks. I felt sick to my stomach. He asked if I understood. I said no. ”with all the evidence they have against you, you could be looking at 15 years, its best this way, trust me.” I said okay knowing there was no evidence because there was no evidence (story for another day). I was just a frightened little girl who hung with the wrong crowd on the wrong day. I went back to the hall where 25 other young ladies stayed awaiting their fate and I cried. One of the guards came over to check on me. I told her what the man said and she explained to me that they all come in and say that, it makes their case load lighter and frees up some of their time. I remember being outraged. How could you have me throw my life away like that? From that day until the very moment I am writing this I have read and continue to read hundreds of law books, studying case law for fun. I vowed to sincerely help the children who are victimized by the system by making them plea out; even innocent ones I found out. I believed from that day it was my calling, my destiny to help children fight for their freedom.
I went to school for paralegal studies, I figured I would take that route because so many others who aspired to be a lawyer were majoring in English, I hated English, as some of my writing skills may reflect but I am working on it. But as I furthered on in school life happened and I dropped out vowing to return. I took on three jobs and became a single mother. Returning didn’t happen for ten years. I returned and hit a stumbling block, the school I had attended in preparation to transfer to a university, no one accepted the credits. Feeling defeated I quit. I tried at it again online but that was unrealistic for me.
I found myself working to support my family trying my hand at many things but finding myself bored no matter how prosperous my ventures had become. Now I am a housewife raising nine children and a husband still trying to find my purpose in this crazy world.
Fasten your seatbelts, the road may get bumpy.