Sweet dreams. 

I dreamed of her last night. It was the most vivid dream I have ever had of her. She was beautiful. I cannot forget her face; I don’t want to.

This dream, I have had before but never like this. I was able to interact instead of being this week vessel watching and doing nothing as I have always done. This time I held her. I held her close and I held her tight almost consuming her into my essence.

It was the last time I saw her alive. She just looked at me and our eyes locked for a moment and I had second thoughts, and thirds until I just walked away before I changed my mind about leaving her. It was for the best is what I kept telling myself, although I didn’t believe it. That is my last memory of her alive and it keeps playing over and over in my dreams. I don’t have any regrets in my life because I know that by changing one little ripple of life, my waves would be totally different now. But if I could change one thing with no repercussions and still be in this very moment, I would have taken her with me. My spirit tells me that is a bad idea because she died because it was her time, and had she been with me her time would still be up.

McRush asked me what I was sure of when he woke me from this dream and we talked about it. Death. Death was my answer. That is all I am sure of in life. Death is not judgmental and has no respect of persons, it is imminent. It doesn’t care if you are a bad person or a good person, you are going to die. That is why I do not fear it. I do not fear death  because its going to happen. What I do fear is the pain and suffering it will leave upon  my family.

I search for the truth and I live for the truth. I stand in my truth no matter how ugly it may be sometimes. That’s all I can do. Sometimes the truth hurts because truth is nothing more than the reality in which we live. And the truth is, she is never coming back to me and that is a painful feeling. I would have assumed, being the person I am that This would not be affecting me like it does eight years later, I’m just not that kind of person but I guess it is true what they say, you never stop mourning the loss of a child. I think about her, I want to see her. I want to hold her and tell her that I love her even though we are energies apart. I would rather have died with her but that is not entirely true because my children would be mourning me and I cannot bare that thought.

If you know me at all, you know I am not sentimental, touchy, or even intentionally give off much loving affection but losing a part of my heartbeat is enough to make you change that…just a little, no mushy stuff.

Well, its 5:19 am and I am beyond mentally drained. I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about is putting my thoughts and emotions on paper (or in this case, blog). Now that I have done that I am going to try to lay down for a few.

The picture is the last time I would see her see me. I love you Madison.

Love, Mommy




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