Oop. Did she just say that?

I put out a lot of positive energy during the day. I wake early meditating and filling myself with positive vibes and affirmations. I am ready to start my day after this and giving dedication time to my God of understanding. I am careful when I speak and I assess every negative situation being sure to ask myself, what could I have done differently or what part did I play in this situation and was it beneficial all the way around. I do not yell at anyone or demean them in any way and I am sure to smile and speak at anyone who crosses my path.
When I feel myself getting angry or uncomfortable for any reason, I quickly excuse myself from the moment and breathe. I am generally a happy person and usually my happiness is intentionally infectious.
Then there are days like this where I want to scream to the top of my lungs as I ask myself two simple questions.
1. Why in the entire f*ck did I get married?
2. What the hell was I thinking having so much going on?
Like literally. Those are legit questions. Now you may gasp at the sight or sound of me saying these things but yes, I am human so no, I am not perfect. I apologize to those whoever thought that I was. It is not my intention for anyone to think of me or my family as better or holier than though than you or your own.
While my husband nor my babies will hear me speak so vulgarly and unbecoming of a lady, my mind will spew out words like a drunken sailor on New Years eve at an all you can drink nudity bar. But thankfully I am able to tame the inner verbiage beast within.
I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel some days. I have no one to vent to so I just keep it pushing like a high speed locomotive with no brakes. Most people in my life are so indecisive that one day I am a good guy and the next I am a bad guy all while changing nothing.
I know some of you, including my husband, will think, well why can’t you talk to McRush. And that is not at all the case. I absolutely can talk to my husband about anything. The problem is, though we have much in common we are very different in our upbringing. And as you know, no matter how much you hated the way your parents raised you, we all have the tendency to incorporate a lot of those very values and actions. With that being said, while I can talk to my husband and confide in him, he oftentimes does not grasp the complexity of the things I speak of therefore in the end, its as if I never got anything off my chest, I just boosted my word count for the day.
Surely most women feel this way because by nature we are a complicated creature and most men do try their best to try to understand where we are coming from. Bless their hearts, they do try.
Now the reasoning behind my questions.
Why did I get married.
Well, Let me just say that I have been married before and I know that this is legitimate love, honor, and respect. That is something I didn’t have. Protection, care, and selflessness is what McRush gives me everyday. In fact, I hated it when we first got married and it took me years to learn that this is what love looks like, its loving and cute. The total opposite of me. I have hardened my heart at every turn, hell, my children had to grow on me with all of that affection. I am kind of ashamed of that but I am also just being honest. My mother was not affectionate either. I know now that she loved me but honestly, I cannot say that I felt that way growing up. My biological father was not in the picture at all, I do not know why and I never asked. Mom never brought him up and neither did I. I did have a crazy step dad that treated me like his own. He and my mom didn’t always get along and not very affectionate from what I saw but I know he loved me to pieces and I loved him right back. At the age of 17, I ran away from home and straight to the greener grass, aka my biological father. That wasn’t as fun as I thought. I stayed with him a couple months and then ran away from him too. We are better now. I love him with all of the “daddy’s little girl” inside of me. I only get to see him if we travel back to Philly which is not nearly as often as I would like. But, as is life.
Anyhow, I have always been a free spirit and I love it. It was the one thing I always wanted to be when I grew up. Never tied down to one place. Never stuck doing one thing. Just exploring and enjoying the life that my God gave me. See, that’s where the question comes in about being married. McRush is more stable minded and wants everything planned and for the most part that is great for our marriage because we are diverse in our way of life so we can share with one another. But then there are days where I feel like he looks at me like some type of wild gypsy woman with no roots always going on about starting this and that. It saddens me because I always thought I would marry someone who was as much a go-getter as I am. I do not think, I just do. I am not crazy, I do analyze and that is different from thinking. But I always believed that beyond the sky there are no limits. God made all of this and I should explore and bring people along with me.
I believe that is why I struggle with my weight, too much complacency. When I was single, there were no boundaries or check ins or discussions about what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it so I just did it. Life was always on the go. I always worked two or more jobs and I was always naturally confident and happy. Now there is an effort that I have to put to those things and I do not like it. Which leads me to my next question of the day.
Why do I have so much going on.
I really already know the answer to this question but I still find myself asking it. The answer is to keep me occupied from the moments and times in my life where I am unhappy or discontent. But at the end of each day I know that I would not change my life for all of the tea in the world… money, that’s different. (I am just kidding!) Ultimately I love my life and while I am not able to soar the way I have always wanted to I am excited to inspire others do it by helping them start their own companies and giving them daily motivation to keep going, because truth-be-told, usually when I am giving them an encouraging word it was placed on my heart which means it was probably meant for me.
I love you guys and thank you for coming along on this bumpy road in life of mine.
-Rush