Do you know the worst part about having a form of OCD? Is that still, with medication, you always look for something, anything in your life to be perfect. Without medication it is even crazier. With children is pretty close to impossible but I believe that somehow, someway, this too can be achieved.
In the back of my mind I believe that the disease is why I push so much for Rush Consulting Firm to be prosperous. It is, after all, the one thing I can control. My days are hectic with or without medication. My mind is always wandering to better something or create something but there always has to be something new going on. I have to be sure all bases are covered. Did you know I have created more than 10 prosperous companies to date. I am glad to know that when things are not going as planned, I am the first one called to gain control, Kind of like being a parent, I just have a lot of grown babies. As crazy as my life seems to some, I rather enjoy being a mother. Sure, I can’t wait until they grow up and move out on some days but the smiles and laughter that fill my home are enjoyable.
My husband does not like me taking my medication because he says it makes me zone out. I probably do but I am so mellow and focused. I can imagine his fear though. When our son was diagnosed with ADHD I cried for three weeks with the decision on whether or not to give him the medication. I wrestled with it all the way down to the very fiber of my being. I did not like the side effects even though the doctors said there was a slim to none chance he would have any besides a lack of appetite. Furthermore, my conscientious mind battled with ‘who am I to change the chemical make up that God used to create him, just the way he is?’ Ultimately I gave in after the school teacher complained up the chain of command. What else could I do. I gave him his medication but it made him different, I wasn’t quite sure but I knew he was different. Here we are now, my once over achiever now falling well behind on his academic level. He has short term memory loss and cannot seem to do the most basic of things. Maybe that is my husbands fear for me. Its a very hard decision. I never stay on it long enough to establish a pattern of whether or not it works. I suppose I too have the same fear.
I aim to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend I can be but I oftentimes fall short and I get angry about it. My mind is always racing. I am always thinking. I am always trying to progress. I do not have the necessary dog-eat-dog mentality that is often needed for a business field like mine. I always say yes, even when I don’t want to. I always take on more than I can handle. And I always feel like I never do enough. I don’t have as much time as I do heart and compassion. Most people tell me to slow down, but my God, what the heck will happen to me then? I feel robotic at times. Its almost like, I only get tired when I do not have a million things consuming my mind. Is that normal?
I don’t know anyone like me so I have no one to talk to that can relate to my mile-a-minute ideas and conversations. My poor husband, he gives me so much of him and I appreciate it. I think he doesn’t think I do but I know for sure I would be lost without him.
I really had no basis for this blog. I suppose I was having a moment and needed to vent. I feel better now so thanks for reading. I am going back to what I was doing, which is everything, at once. ❤