Apologetically unapologetic

How is it that he gets to disappear? I work hard too. Sometimes I think I work harder than he does but he probably doesn’t think so. My work is a continuous project. I not only work on the house and the children, I not only work my businesses (one or them supposed to be OURS) but I work in my sleep. I work in my dreams. I am up and down continuously throughout the night with whomever decides to awake crying. I am up until everyone is down. And thats when my thoughts of what to do next start racing through my head oftentimes pulling me up out of bed to add to my to do list. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am alone in every sense of the word. He usually says “tell me what you need help with, I’m not a mind reader.” I do not expect you nor do I want you to read my mind but I simply would like for you to be as focused as can be when it comes to the well being of this house. I want your imput not your condescending directions. I want you to cook me breakfast in bed. I want you to get my nails done. My hair done. I want you to stop holding on to the money we get in case of emergency. I AM that emergency. You asked me to come off of my zoloft because it made me too mello. Well I much rather prefer to be mellow than a crying dying wreck inside. What do I need? I don’t know what I need. But whatever it is I feel like I am walking towards it all alone. It seems tje greatest thing we do right together is make babies. I dont want to make babies I want to change the world. No, I dont need a break. I dont want a break. Breaks are for suckers. I want to keep pushing until I have arrived to wherever it is I am supposed to be. Its not here. I should have my home by now. My children should be in private school. I work too hard to have nothing. I am running from the time I wake up until the time I am in the bed trying my hardest to go to sleep but cannot stop beating myself up for all of the things I did not get accomplished today. I cannot stop beating myself up for over extending myself yet another day. I cannot stop beating myself up for falling short of all the goals and aspirations I have acquired through life along the way and not one of them are fulfilled because I keep finding myself, once again on the back burner. But I can only blame me for being so passive and trying to live the best way that God would have me to be so I digress. I digress to the house maid and the nanny. I digress to the butler and the errand boy. I digress to working for free. I digress to sit deep in a depression that no one knows I am in but me and my god. So lost and confused. Ready to run but stuck. Stuck with responsibilities and promises. Stuck hating who I have become yet smiling to see someone else
smile. I hold it all in because I can,  speaking just exhausts me. Crying dehydrates me because once I start to cry I just cannot stop. I think of all that I have been through and though they are tears of rejoicing because I did make it through they are also tears of despair because I had to go through it to be the woman that I am today so that I can show my daughters how to be the best woman of God they can be. My daughters. Who said it was alright to take her from me. I should have three but instead God saw fit for me to have just two and I am okay with that but oh how I long to hold her in my arms. The devastations in my life are insurmountable yet here I stand still strong yet weak. Crying and smiling. Walking but asleep. Why did you choose me? I answer myself, because I am strong enough to endure. And I appreciate that God thought that highly of me. I know I can. I dont mind being the shoulder but when it is my time will you be mine? I try to live life on my terms but its just so uncomfortable because I have lived for someone else as long as I can remember.  I don’t even know HOW to live for me. But I do know that I work too hard for everyone else not to indulge here and there. Sure, I’ll be unapologetic when I do it but I am sure I will apologize when the time is right. Damn! Where is my backbone, my spine, SOMETHING! All I am is heart and sometimes that’s okay but sometimes its not. And that’s okay too. As long as I remind myself daily that it is okay to live for me then one day, just one day I will actually do it.

-Rush

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