Fat for no reason

I am so tired of this damn yo-yo of weight. I have been eating more AND better, plus be more active, and my damn scale is going the wrong way. What the ENTIRE fuck.

I swear once upon a time, I was fine. Lmao

I remember when I was going in the Army, I was considered overweight for my height, by 4 pounds. I was 150, and I needed to be 146 or some shit like that. I busted my ass off to lose that weight just to get to meps and still not have lost the weight. My sergeant had given me some drink that made me poop all night long. It was horrible. What’s worse is I had to share a room with a girl, and her nose hairs HAD to be burnt out by morning. I still failed. I came back home on a mission. This was my escape plan from my abusive boyfriend at the time, and I didn’t have any other options, so I thought. My stubborn ass could have just gone home to my mom.

I was running 2 miles a day, 50 push-ups, 100 situps, no carbs, no juice, no condiments for 30 days. One day, I was running, and I just passed out. I don’t know how long, but when I came to, I walked home and collapsed. I stayed in that spot for about 2 weeks, crawling to the bathroom to vomit or pee. I wasn’t eating anything, and I was exhausted from just breathing. My best friend told me I was overdoing it, but I didn’t listen.

I was staying with her as I trained to get ready for the Army. We met in college, and we had law classes together. She was the nicest person I had ever met. She was also in an abusive relationship, and one day, she decided to leave when he was out of town. I helped her move into her apartment, and she offered me refuge from my relationship. One day, she was adamant about me going to the hospital. She said that if I didn’t go by the time she got off work, she was going to drag me herself. I went to the ER. Turns out, I couldn’t lose those last stubborn pounds because I was 4 months pregnant. Talk about a damper on your plans. Sheesh. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I still was fine, though. Lol After I had my son, I went on the run to a whole other state. The legal ramifications of this got extra tricky, but I’ll tell you about that another time.

Before having my other children, I teetered around 150. I was thick in all the right places. But now. I got on the scale the other day, and it said 🫣 280.6.

Now, when I started this diet, after having Kera, my last, I was 265. I don’t know if it’s hormones or stress or what, but my scale is going the wrong way. I bought a watch that keeps track of my steps, I have a home gym that I use, I do not eat sweets outside of fruit, and I don’t stuff my face. Hell, I have to remind myself to eat more than 1x a day, so what gives? I am literally depressed behind my weight because I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I always said that I would never get surgery, but it’s looking real tempting right now. The problem is, I think, I just don’t get enough consistent calories to burn off the weight. My body goes into panic mode and holds on to every bit of food I eat. I legit have a bowel movement maybe once every three days. But if I take a laxative, nothing, so I’m not backed up. What gives? I just want to look in the mirror and see a me I love. I mean, I do love me cause I damn sure wouldn’t want to be anyone else, but this weight… nah bruh. You got to go.

I know my two problems. I lack discipline, and I can not stop reminiscing on who I was long enough to embrace who I am and can be. Who I was, weight wise, is no longer here, but seeing who I am now makes me long for her. I miss her more than I want to meet the new me. Does that make sense? I really need to overcome that. My discipline problem is because as the primary cook in the house full of skinny people is my diet can’t look like theirs, and theirs cannot look like mine. 🙃 I hate it here. Just send me to Skinny Villa, please.


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