Advice wanted.

We had somewhat of a free day so we drove up to my mom’s. Did I tell you guys she moved more local? The intent really was to stay a couple hours and drive back but that turned into an all nighter. We left about 1 a.m. and headed home.

I learned a lesson yesterday. I’m not quit sure what it is but I’m sure it’s something. 🤷🏽

My mom is not very keen on how I raise my children. They aren’t bad, she’ll tell you herself, but I come from a generation of do as I say not as I do. The one where you don’t speak unless spoken to and you should be seen and not heard. I was taught to stay in a child’s place and don’t question authority. I had to take what was dished out and don’t talk back. You know, the whole what happens in my house stays in my house bit. Whew! How traumatizing.

I think that this is why so many people in my age range took so long to find their voice and realize who they are and what they want. It adds to the struggle of life, honors the ‘keep everything bottled in’ , and allow elders to disrespect you because they are older. Don’t get me wrong, I love my childhood my mother was the best mother in the world to me but oh the psychological damage it caused for many of our generation.

Let me explain.

When Maia cries I expect everyone to see why. Not like a fussy cry but a real cry. Yesterday my mom fussed at Maia, eh, rightfully so-ish. She was spinning a shoe and it flew and hit the floor narrowly missing a shelf she has with beautiful decor upon it. I told Maia to pick up the shoe. My mom, I guess thought I was being too gentle and fussed “picked that shoe up and don’t throw things in my house!” Maia of course started sobbing out of fear. She grabbed me so tight I couldn’t pull her off. Her sisters, Ava, Bella, and Sara, ran down the stairs to see what was wrong and my mother fussed at them for coming to see what was wrong while there is a parent present. They walked upstairs and I, almost afraid to coddle my own daughter, continued to make her pick up the shoe and put it back. My mother began fussing at me about teaching my children to mind their behaviour and also not be so clingy, referring to Maia. She also reminded me; “remember when they broke the dish I had on there”, In efforts to guilt me I suppose. I quickly reminder her that was my brother who did that. I picked Maia up and went in the room. Sobbing with my whole heart. Not just this incident but previously she fussed at Ava, and McRush and I about her being so clingy as well.

While many would say talk to her or fuss back or stand your ground. Its my mother, hence what I learned today. I am still affected by the ideals of the way I was raised, to respect my elders. Its funny because everyone in my family knows how sensitive I am but its not because I break easily, its because I try so hard to keep the peace. I am respectful, quiet, and I keep my head down. Yeah, ME!

I don’t like confrontation. I have anxiety really bad and I just can’t handle it but it seems that everytime I turn around, someone is taking advantage of it by saying what they want knowing I won’t be combative. It’s a trait I despise but there is so much anger and hate in the world, I can’t bring myself to change. I teach my children the way I want to learn, the way I want them to grow. I allow them the space to be who they are so they don’t have to try and find out who they are as adults.

More importantly, I raise different because I know what it feels like to have a child no longer be here with you. If my babies want to be clingy to me and their father, great. I know they trust us to protect them. What’s wrong with that? I believe as siblings they should help protect one another and that comes with knowing that each other are safe and okay.

I really don’t know what to do. But I wanted to blog about it to get it off my chest because its heavy. Really heavy.

What do you think?

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