Let it go

Sometimes we must be reminded that the only one with our best interest in mind is ourselves. As long as I have been blogging I have always danced around issues that were near and dear to me because of the people that read my blogs. I am usually an open book but some of the people around me are not and I respect that. I am no fiction writer so to change names just to tell a true story or statement would never sit right with me. Well, I am happy to announce that that will no longer be the case. My life was recently turned completely upside down but what I didn’t know is it was just what I needed to make my life right side up. I am actually breathing a sigh of relief. Initially I thought it was going to be the worst thing to happen to me, my stomach was in knots and I could hardly eat. I was so stressed out that it was affecting my health, literally. At one point I thought I was going to go into labor. But alas, the release was like a ray of sunshine. I was trying so hard to hold everyone and everything together that I myself was holding on by tattered threads. There was a time I was placed on an antidepressant because the tension was too much. That was over a year ago, I stopped taking them because my husband said they made me a different person and I zoned everyone and everything out. Since then I have been trying to cope. Smiling while crying inside, laughing like my migraines weren’t killing me, and being a ray of sunshine while I couldn’t see my way through my own darkness. Even though I had my husband loving me through it all and praying with and for me; and I have my children to make me laugh and smile, anger followed me while confusion was the start of my day. Why me? What did I ever do to always have my name spewed out of the mouth of people who secretly hated me so much? Not once did I realize that the very people who surrounded me lay wait for my demise and failure. But why? When did I go from this loved person to one that was hated so much that I began to question my own existence and purpose? I was walking in a very dark place tripping over every fallen limb in the forest of deception. All while evil spirits swarmed around me laughing and poking, taunting and teasing. Tears fell from my eyes so much that I half the time didn’t realize I was crying until someone was staring. What in the world makes people act this way, treat loved ones this way? But you know what? Hindsight is absolutely 20\20 because I see it now. It was there all along but I just never connected the pieces, I never thought I would have to. Excusing every motive and action as a random act of lashing out while being the fall guy for someone else’s intentions, but it was really me all along. It was little glimpses of anger showing that they could not hold in. While I still cannot figure out for the life of me why, I now realize not only do I not need to, I don’t want to either. Spending my precious time trying to figure out why someone is filled with such I’ll intent is none of my business nor any of my care. I have decided to take another path, a path of happiness and success; a path of joy and prosperity. Why should I allow you to take up so much time, energy, and space in my life when you have contributed nothing to who and what I am today. So I would like to take this time to say Good bye. Good bye to all my mistakes you like to hold over my head. Good bye to the times you came to watch and wait for me to fail. Good bye to the negative words you said. Good bye to your ill will and harmful intentions. Good bye to your list of my failures. Good bye to you. I release you from my life but I wish you well. See, even though you wish me to fail, I will prosper. Even though you await me to fall, I will stand. Even though you hate me now, I will always love you but you are not welcome here. You have allowed your anger to consume you and though it is contagious I will not allow it to contaminate me. So this is goodbye. It is bitter yet sweet and everything I need. I