When your faith is tested.

After almost 7 years of my daughter passing, the anger is finally coming to a head. I never truly mourned her. I was so far away when I got the call that all I could think about was getting to her. The entire flight across the country all I could think was how horrible of a joke this was. I couldn’t accept it. I just couldn’t. When my plane landed I had to wait over an hour for my ride and that allowed my anger to fester which overshadowed my pain.
Even once I got into the city I couldn’t find her body. I was given the run around until I found her but when I did, I was told that I couldn’t see her and I had to come back tomorrow. Tomorrow? More anger.
I couldnt sleep just hoping it was still all a bad dream, I mean, after all, I still have not seen her.
The next day I go to where she is and they tell me she is still not ready to be seen. When I asked was she really back there, the lady replied “yes, she is in the cooler”. What an insensitive thing to say. Now I am not only angry, but I am also numb. What did I do to deserve this? #SorryGod
I sat for hours waiting. When they finally allowed me to see her they said I had to view her through a glass. I sighed a heavy sigh only a parent knows and said okay. They asked was I sure, I don’t remember what I said but they pulled the curtain back. I still did not believe them. Even seeing her with my own eyes wrapped in a blanket and tubes still hanging out of her nose. She looked as if she were asleep except she wasn’t. My heart told me she wasn’t. But I still wanted to touch her, to hold her. Reluctantly, the coroner allowed me to come back to get a closer look. He said I still couldn’t touch her but I stole a kiss on her forehead. She was still soft and a little warm unless that was just my wishful thinking.
Then the business began, not many of us prepare to lose a child at such a young age so savings and insurance for this were non existent. I began to make calls no mother should have to make; begging people and panhandling to raise her burial funds. All of this and still no cause of death. Every emotion but mourning.
I was taught not to question God so I didn’t. I still don’t. However, where I am in life I find myself asking “why not”. If I want to know something I ask. Why can’t I ask God why? I have rationalized the why so much and come to a logical explanation that I don’t believe that His answer would mean much to me anymore. I’m just being honest. I was angry in the place of my mourning and now I am unable to mourn because I am still angry. The experience taught me to question the why in everything. Everything. Though I know that every cause has an affect which is how the ripples in life roll, but there is still my why. I have given my all to everyone I know and met and I ultimately seem to find myself betrayed and hurt.
Madison died January 10, 2009 cause of death is conflicted. The coroner says he would rule it a case of SIDS ( Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) but since the police report stated that there were stuffed animals in the crib he must diagnose positional asphyxiation which means she suffocated in the position she lay, which was face down. As if her passing wasn’t enough trauma.


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